Today as I ran out the door to head to Mom's house, I picked up one of my cd cases so I'd have more music to choose from in the car. I sat in the car, looked through the binder, and chose a CD. But even as I removed it from the plastic guard, I suddenly decided I wanted to listen to John's music. The girls and I hadn't listened to it in several weeks. So I ran back in the house and located it. I pushed it gently into the cd player of my car and waited for the stereo to register the CD and start the music. Several seconds later his voice flooded my car and my heart. For the first song on the disc, he gives the chord progression before starting to play. So instead of just hearing his singing voice, I heard his talking voice, the sweet sound of his playful, innocent, beautiful personality coming through my speakers.
He was real. His presence on this earth wasn't a dream or a figment of my imagination. The 6 years I spent in his presence happened just like I remember, and the sound of his voice is still as familiar as my own, as familiar as the strumming of his guitar that I heard almost every day in our home. I remember hearing someone play in the church sanctuary many times and being able to spot my husband's music within a moment's time because I just knew his playing so well.
But despite all this, in the last few months I have struggled with believing that all of this actually happened to me. That I spent so much time with someone and then suddenly they were gone. What was my time, my investment worth? What difference did it make? I built a life with someone, started a relationship on footing that we hoped would help it to last until we were old and gray. But I never got a chance. Why?? I got a glimpse of a beauty beyond compare, beyond my wildest dreams. The beauty of loving fully and being fully loved - there's nothing in the world like it. And I refuse to think that the reason I was blessed enough to experience that was just for *my* benefit. That my future relationships would be built on the rock and experience would guide me. No, John wasn't the warm up for the rest of my life.
So what was he? What am I supposed to do now in the wake of sudden loss?
Ironically, I think that lesson is one I could only have learned through living with him. What am I supposed to do now? I guess I'm supposed to do the same thing I was doing before - live! Make each moment count, pursue my passions, love my family and friends, praise God at every opportunity, pray unceasingly, take risks, and live like Jesus. My husband's favorite life verse was 1 John 2:6 - :Anyone who claims to live in him must walk as Jesus walked." If I claim to have known John better than anyone else, to have loved him completely, and to have admired him and his life choices, then I have no other option than to follow his example. Will it be hard? Yes. Claiming joy and being thankful can be a real struggle when it's so easy to focus on me, me, me. But that's what I'm going to do, especially when it's hard! I'm grateful for the precious time I got to spend with someone who inspired me so much. But now it's my turn.
Father God, please lift my spirits when I'm down. Allow me to love, to mourn, but to laugh and dance, too. Give me wisdom, maturity, joy, passion, patience, and build my character through these struggles. Please don't let me ignore the lessons I have opportunity to learn through my circumstances. I want to come out of this claiming the perseverance, character, and hope you promise through suffering in Romans 5. I love you!
Amber
