I was instructed to make a list of losses by my Christian counselor a few weeks ago. I did it, grudgingly. Today I've had so many things go through my head that I think it might burst. Actually, make that this week. Tonight as I was laying in bed trying to sleep, my mind kept turning over the struggles and worries I have in this life. I wrote some, and then I went back to that list of losses and read a few of them. One of them put a label on something I have been turning over in my head lately. This is what I listed:
I lost someone who pushed me to adapt and change when necessary.
Adapting. Is that what I'm trying to do here? Or am I biding my time?
When John and I got married, we were in college. That age when your whole life is opened up in front of you and you have the potential to do a million things, go anywhere, you have no idea what the rest of your life will really look like. And after we married, he took me around the world. We lived in 2 states and 3 countries. The army gave us a continued sense of "What's next? Where will we go from here? How many changes will we see this year, or next year?"
But now...what do I do? Do I try to get used to the idea that I may be here permanently, because I'm not going to take the girls and move away from all their family by myself. If I married again into the military, I would gladly go with my husband wherever it took us. But I'm not married. I'm not military. This is my home. This is where all our family are centrally located and where I am establishing deep friendships, a volunteer position with my youth group that I'm investing greatly in, a life and a routine built here. I bought a house, I don't have plans to leave.
I could build myself a nice life here surrounded by people who love me and the girls and be happy, right? I was born here. I thought as a teenager that I might want to move to Springfield, but if I didn't it wouldn't be tragic because I love my family and I love my hometown. Once I left it, though, I can say with certainty that we did not plan on coming back to live here. I decided that I was good not coming back to the old town, the old me, the old routine. I loved living in new and different places. I had accepted the fact that I might never live even within a few hours of my family. I had my husband and my kids and they were my family.
I'm not writing this for sympathy so I'll not dwell on this next part. My whole concept of reality, of the future, shifted in a moment. Suddenly I was flying home to West Plains, MO where it seemed I'd be staying indefinitely. And for a while, I was upset about that. I was mad and I did NOT want to be here. Not long term anyway. God softened my heart quickly on that matter and told me He wanted me here, there were people to love here. But does that mean He wants me to stay here for-e-ver? (I always picture Sand Lot when I say that). Is this the house I'm going to spend a few dozen years in?
Should I start working on shifting my perspective to a future here?
Or, should I wait and still feel like this is all temporary until I see if I get married again? And what if I don't get married for years? What if I do - what if this time next year I'm in a serious relationship with someone? That sounds really really really really strange to me, too. I'm not suggesting that I do or don't want that, I'm just speaking hypothetically. So what if I marry someone who wants to stay here for the rest of his life, content to live in this town or any other small Missouri town forever? Is that okay with me? Or should it matter? On the other hand, what if he doesn't? What if he takes a job that moves us away? How hard will it be to leave what I've established?
I just want to be single for a while. I don't want to have to think about any of this for a good long time. But that doesn't change the fact that I do. I think about this stuff all the time. Because it matters to me that I don't set myself up for failure, or judge someone based on whether or not they could offer me a life as adventurous as the one before. I found myself considering a friend of mine and whether or not I could eventually see him as a potential mate. And a part of me said "Heck, no. He wants to stay here forever." And now the rest of me is asking that part of me if it's serious. Does it really mean it? Is that on the list of requirements in a future spouse? And what do I really want to do? Would I be okay staying here? If not, where and why?
And please, no one leave me a comment saying "You don't know what the future holds, so just live for today and leave the future to God." I don't think I have ever been more aware of that than I am now. I know that tomorrow may not come for me or for any of us. I know that all my planning is for naught if God doesn't want what I want. I also know that it will all work out in God's timing. I just have a few questions on my mind tonight, and I thought writing them down might help me work through it and get some much needed sleep tonight. So I'm off to try and sleep again. Good night!
Friday, February 17, 2012
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Military
Sometime before the first of the year, my daughters and I finished up at the gym we go to three days a week and needed to make a stop at the post office. I was dressed in my gym clothes, obviously, which included a shirt from Camp Humphreys that I'd received at one of the gyms on post. The back of it mentions the post itself and identifies it as a military affiliation.
Standing in line at the post office, an elderly gentlemen behind me spoke up and asked me if that was a military shirt. I paused for a moment and remembered what I was wearing and told him yes and explained where I got it. That lead us to a conversation about my affiliation with the military and my husband's story, and then to this man's story. He'd flown as a paratrooper many years ago. In his eyes was that look - you've seen it if you've ever spoken to a veteran - pride, memories, and love for his country. He even carried an old black and white photo of himself as a soldier with all his equipment on his back there in his wallet. I have great respect for all veterans, and I love to talk to them and hear their stories. They are what we stand on now as a country and they are greatly overlooked.
But that is not the point I want to make today. You see, he was not the first man to start a conversation with myself or John, when he was alive, based only on some sort of evidence that we were an Army family. We've been approached in restaurants, grocery stores, or in line anywhere where lines tend to form by veterans of all ages. Sometimes by active duty soldiers as well. And at the time I looked at it as sort of quaint, sweet, maybe a little bit sad. At times I think I've even been a little annoyed by the older men who have stopped to chat when I didn't feel very generous with my time, and at the time I don't believe I understood what it was that made them reach out and spark up a conversation with a stranger.
Now I do. Saturday I was on a road trip with some of the youth from our church and we stopped at a McDonald's to get something to drink. A couple of our girls got out and most of us stayed in the car and waited. As we sat there I watched a young man get out of his car shouldering a backpack full of his ACU's and carrying his boots. Something strange happened in my heart. It's certainly not the first time I've seen someone in uniform or obviously military walking around since John. But something made me want to jump out of the car and ask him where he was going, why he was going to change in this McDonald's, if he was national guard, if he was soon to be deployed or just going to weekend exercises. I desperately wanted to connect with someone military and hear all about what they were up to. And I really don't know why. Sure, there are psychological reasons why I would want that at this point in my life. Why my heart would ache in seeing someone out of the blue who represents what my life has been all about for the past 4 years. But I think it was more than that. I think the military gets in your blood, becomes a part of you. The brotherhood that is often spoken of between soldiers has seemed, up until now, as something they just say and don't really mean. I've been assured that the loss of a soldier anywhere in the world hits all of them like the loss of a good friend. This weekend I felt that sense of family, that draw and connection to someone who was a complete stranger. And I have no doubt that if I was inside that McDonald's when he came in and was given a moment of opportunity, I would have asked him about his life, about his uniform. I miss it.
It's also not the first time this has happened to me recently. On the very same trip one of the parents was wearing a shirt much like the one I wore that day in the post office. I could't tell you what it said, but I could tell you it was distributed by the military. He was speaking to someone else in the line at Starbucks at the mall about the military, hilariously enough. When they had finished their conversation, I stepped in and asked him about his time in service and found out that he is in the reserves right now and just got back from a tour overseas. I automatically felt closer to this man. Still don't know his name, or really anything about him. But he feels like a part of a huge family that I was very much a part of, and some of me always will be.
To my military friends, I say this: Don't give it up if you aren't absolutely certain you'll be able to live with the inescapable draw you'll have to military people that may cause you to regret your decision. And next time an older gentlemen approaches you and looks like he wants to sit and talk a spell, indulge him. Think of me and give him that connection he's looking for.
To my non-military friends, I say this: You may not understand, but I know you've seen it to. Those men proudly donning their veteran baseball caps deserve your respect and so much more. Never pass up an opportunity to thank them.
Standing in line at the post office, an elderly gentlemen behind me spoke up and asked me if that was a military shirt. I paused for a moment and remembered what I was wearing and told him yes and explained where I got it. That lead us to a conversation about my affiliation with the military and my husband's story, and then to this man's story. He'd flown as a paratrooper many years ago. In his eyes was that look - you've seen it if you've ever spoken to a veteran - pride, memories, and love for his country. He even carried an old black and white photo of himself as a soldier with all his equipment on his back there in his wallet. I have great respect for all veterans, and I love to talk to them and hear their stories. They are what we stand on now as a country and they are greatly overlooked.
But that is not the point I want to make today. You see, he was not the first man to start a conversation with myself or John, when he was alive, based only on some sort of evidence that we were an Army family. We've been approached in restaurants, grocery stores, or in line anywhere where lines tend to form by veterans of all ages. Sometimes by active duty soldiers as well. And at the time I looked at it as sort of quaint, sweet, maybe a little bit sad. At times I think I've even been a little annoyed by the older men who have stopped to chat when I didn't feel very generous with my time, and at the time I don't believe I understood what it was that made them reach out and spark up a conversation with a stranger.
Now I do. Saturday I was on a road trip with some of the youth from our church and we stopped at a McDonald's to get something to drink. A couple of our girls got out and most of us stayed in the car and waited. As we sat there I watched a young man get out of his car shouldering a backpack full of his ACU's and carrying his boots. Something strange happened in my heart. It's certainly not the first time I've seen someone in uniform or obviously military walking around since John. But something made me want to jump out of the car and ask him where he was going, why he was going to change in this McDonald's, if he was national guard, if he was soon to be deployed or just going to weekend exercises. I desperately wanted to connect with someone military and hear all about what they were up to. And I really don't know why. Sure, there are psychological reasons why I would want that at this point in my life. Why my heart would ache in seeing someone out of the blue who represents what my life has been all about for the past 4 years. But I think it was more than that. I think the military gets in your blood, becomes a part of you. The brotherhood that is often spoken of between soldiers has seemed, up until now, as something they just say and don't really mean. I've been assured that the loss of a soldier anywhere in the world hits all of them like the loss of a good friend. This weekend I felt that sense of family, that draw and connection to someone who was a complete stranger. And I have no doubt that if I was inside that McDonald's when he came in and was given a moment of opportunity, I would have asked him about his life, about his uniform. I miss it.
It's also not the first time this has happened to me recently. On the very same trip one of the parents was wearing a shirt much like the one I wore that day in the post office. I could't tell you what it said, but I could tell you it was distributed by the military. He was speaking to someone else in the line at Starbucks at the mall about the military, hilariously enough. When they had finished their conversation, I stepped in and asked him about his time in service and found out that he is in the reserves right now and just got back from a tour overseas. I automatically felt closer to this man. Still don't know his name, or really anything about him. But he feels like a part of a huge family that I was very much a part of, and some of me always will be.
To my military friends, I say this: Don't give it up if you aren't absolutely certain you'll be able to live with the inescapable draw you'll have to military people that may cause you to regret your decision. And next time an older gentlemen approaches you and looks like he wants to sit and talk a spell, indulge him. Think of me and give him that connection he's looking for.
To my non-military friends, I say this: You may not understand, but I know you've seen it to. Those men proudly donning their veteran baseball caps deserve your respect and so much more. Never pass up an opportunity to thank them.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
My Insight
I don't want distractions. I want direction.
I need people to pour into, people to bond with who expect nothing from me. I cannot pretend I have something to give. I don't. My whole heart, my while life was wrapped up in John. When he died I thought I could cut those strings and move on. But they weren't up to me to cut. My God owns those strings and he was the one who tied them in the first place. Only he can undo them, and I'm in no hurry. His plans are best. He holds my future and my purpose in His capable hands. I give it up. I'm done trying.
Oh, How He loves me
How He loves me so
I need people to pour into, people to bond with who expect nothing from me. I cannot pretend I have something to give. I don't. My whole heart, my while life was wrapped up in John. When he died I thought I could cut those strings and move on. But they weren't up to me to cut. My God owns those strings and he was the one who tied them in the first place. Only he can undo them, and I'm in no hurry. His plans are best. He holds my future and my purpose in His capable hands. I give it up. I'm done trying.
Oh, How He loves me
How He loves me so
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Names
Wow. I'm dumbfounded. I just had one of those moments where you realize something about yourself that you never knew even though it was right in front of you.
Let me just start off by saying that Beth Moore is awesome. God uses her in so many awesome ways and I'm so grateful that she accepted the calling on her heart to write and to minister to women. She has changed my life through half a dozen studies that I've done or seen of hers. I'm floored by her practicality, her openness, her sincerity, her humor, and her hunger for knowledge and ministry.
Now that that's out of the way, let's get straight to it. Here's the mind-blowing moment I came to:
I have let other people define me.
All of the names I have been called, every insult I've heard or felt was insinuated about me has stuck in my mind and convinced me that I have the potential to be all of those things and that it is my job to constantly work on not being any of them. Now, keep in mind that I am a fairly confident woman, independent, casual, secure in my faith and happy with the kind of person I have turned out to be in many respects. But how did I get here?
I worried. Am I annoying? Am I a know-it-all? Am I self-righteous? These are a few that have stuck with me over the years. Every day with just about every sentence I utter, every person I interact with, the way that I walk, talk, dress, and laugh, I wonder if people see me and think any of those words. I wonder if people actually enjoy being around me or if they pretend to because it's the nice thing to do. Am I sharing too much? Maybe so. But if you've read even one of my blogs, you've probably figured out that I'm really honest. Probably to a fault. See? There I go again! Pointing out and worrying about my faults.
So, here's the part where I'm supposed to say "But now I have figured out how to put all that behind me! Here's the uplifting and encouraging turnaround to share with all of you!" Only, I don't have one of those for this. I don't know what I'm supposed to do about this. I don't know if I'll ever put those things behind me and be able to go a day without thinking about all the things I don't want to be. And furthermore, I'm not sure I'm supposed to. I wonder if there's a balance, a line I'm supposed to live on between insecurity and being aware of my actions. In all honesty I think I've probably been living on that line for a while so I'm not extremely worried about changing my thought patterns. It's just a pretty mind bending revelation I had just now.
And you know what else? For the first time in my life I have people who aren't related who constantly tell me that they think I'm great. A part of me thinks it's sympathy, but in some contexts I can say for certain that it's not. They think I'm amazing, strong, beautiful, and that my personality is attractive. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THIS?? THIS CANNOT BE! I had a husband who loved every part of me and made me feel attractive and confident constantly. But he certainly never verbalized it this much. He was not the kind to wax poetic about his feelings, he mostly acted on them. That's why finding his diary a while back was such a huge discovery for me.
So now I'm surrounded by positive feedback, but I still have those nagging doubts in my head about how much anyone could really like being around me. I can convince myself that they don't really know me, that they know what I want them to know and eventually they'll figure out that I'm nothing to be jazzed about, but so far I've been wrong. What is wrong with these guys? lol
Okay, so let me explain, no, there is too much, let me sum up..
I have the potential to be every bad name I've ever been called or ever thought about myself in the dark recesses of my mind. And so do you. But who are you going to choose to be? Who am I going to choose to be? We all have one place where we can invest our time that will not only remind us of how we don't want to be, but give us something to aspire to. That place is in God's Word. Reading Scripture is THE BEST way to look beyond what people think of you and focus on the expectations that matter, the ONLY expectations that matter. God's expectations. That's where I'm going to attempt to put my focus through reading the Word daily or as close to daily as I can do. Only through pushing the lens of of me and looking more at God can I let go of my narcism and reach for the goals God has in store for me!
Well! I wrapped it up with encouragement anyway! Whod'a thunk??
Amber Lynn
1 John 2:6 - Anyone who claims to live in Him must walk as Jesus did.
Let me just start off by saying that Beth Moore is awesome. God uses her in so many awesome ways and I'm so grateful that she accepted the calling on her heart to write and to minister to women. She has changed my life through half a dozen studies that I've done or seen of hers. I'm floored by her practicality, her openness, her sincerity, her humor, and her hunger for knowledge and ministry.
Now that that's out of the way, let's get straight to it. Here's the mind-blowing moment I came to:
I have let other people define me.
All of the names I have been called, every insult I've heard or felt was insinuated about me has stuck in my mind and convinced me that I have the potential to be all of those things and that it is my job to constantly work on not being any of them. Now, keep in mind that I am a fairly confident woman, independent, casual, secure in my faith and happy with the kind of person I have turned out to be in many respects. But how did I get here?
I worried. Am I annoying? Am I a know-it-all? Am I self-righteous? These are a few that have stuck with me over the years. Every day with just about every sentence I utter, every person I interact with, the way that I walk, talk, dress, and laugh, I wonder if people see me and think any of those words. I wonder if people actually enjoy being around me or if they pretend to because it's the nice thing to do. Am I sharing too much? Maybe so. But if you've read even one of my blogs, you've probably figured out that I'm really honest. Probably to a fault. See? There I go again! Pointing out and worrying about my faults.
So, here's the part where I'm supposed to say "But now I have figured out how to put all that behind me! Here's the uplifting and encouraging turnaround to share with all of you!" Only, I don't have one of those for this. I don't know what I'm supposed to do about this. I don't know if I'll ever put those things behind me and be able to go a day without thinking about all the things I don't want to be. And furthermore, I'm not sure I'm supposed to. I wonder if there's a balance, a line I'm supposed to live on between insecurity and being aware of my actions. In all honesty I think I've probably been living on that line for a while so I'm not extremely worried about changing my thought patterns. It's just a pretty mind bending revelation I had just now.
And you know what else? For the first time in my life I have people who aren't related who constantly tell me that they think I'm great. A part of me thinks it's sympathy, but in some contexts I can say for certain that it's not. They think I'm amazing, strong, beautiful, and that my personality is attractive. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THIS?? THIS CANNOT BE! I had a husband who loved every part of me and made me feel attractive and confident constantly. But he certainly never verbalized it this much. He was not the kind to wax poetic about his feelings, he mostly acted on them. That's why finding his diary a while back was such a huge discovery for me.
So now I'm surrounded by positive feedback, but I still have those nagging doubts in my head about how much anyone could really like being around me. I can convince myself that they don't really know me, that they know what I want them to know and eventually they'll figure out that I'm nothing to be jazzed about, but so far I've been wrong. What is wrong with these guys? lol
Okay, so let me explain, no, there is too much, let me sum up..
I have the potential to be every bad name I've ever been called or ever thought about myself in the dark recesses of my mind. And so do you. But who are you going to choose to be? Who am I going to choose to be? We all have one place where we can invest our time that will not only remind us of how we don't want to be, but give us something to aspire to. That place is in God's Word. Reading Scripture is THE BEST way to look beyond what people think of you and focus on the expectations that matter, the ONLY expectations that matter. God's expectations. That's where I'm going to attempt to put my focus through reading the Word daily or as close to daily as I can do. Only through pushing the lens of of me and looking more at God can I let go of my narcism and reach for the goals God has in store for me!
Well! I wrapped it up with encouragement anyway! Whod'a thunk??
Amber Lynn
1 John 2:6 - Anyone who claims to live in Him must walk as Jesus did.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Princess Lessons
Lessons from Disney
For years, Christians and others have pointed out the faults of the Disney series of Princess movies. They give girls false ideas about "Prince Charming", they place a high value on physical appearance and the princesses are always proportionally perfect, etc etc. But after watching Beauty and the Beast this week, I can't help but notice some amazing things about these girls that I never noticed before.
1. Incredible kindness. Think back on every movie you've watched with a female heroine or princess involved. Was she ever cruel to someone? Did she ever say mean things or mock the people around her? No, in fact, these ladies tend to be almost sickeningly sweet to everyone around them. They stand up for the downtrodden, make friends with rejects and woodland creatures, and fall in love with ugly beasts.
2. incredible Bravery. It seems each princess faces some sort of obstacle which would seem to each of us in the same situation, devastating or insurmountable. But they never back down, they never lay down and die, and they almost always make the best of their circumstances.
3. Incredibly Crafty. Think about this: when was the last time a princess story didn't involve that princess being able to do something with skill: sew, sing, cook, explore, treat wounds, read super fast, etc?
4. Incredible Faith. None of these ladies lose hope. Belle makes the best of her situation even in captivity and begins to trust in a beast who at one point took her father and then herself as prisoner. Snow White trusts everyone she encounters, to a fault. She also never loses hope that her prince charming will come and rescue her. Cinderella runs off to a ball in a magical gown that a fairy from nowhere dresses her in and trusts that at midnight and no earlier will it fall to pieces. She steps into a carriage made from a pumpkin and trusts it to get her across town.
I give these examples tongue-in-cheek because I am very aware of how silly they are and how these situations do not translate to human life...and of course that these are all stories written by people and not actual events that took place. However, I feel we ought to give credit where credit is due! The movie industry actually glamorized some of the traits that we ought to hold within ourselves as women! Trust, bravery, honing our skills, and my favorite, kindness, all run through the plots of each movie and leave us wishing we could be as gracious, humble, sweet, and capable as these women. Of course, we also wish we could find that prince charming, but that's neither here nor there...
So, are you a Disney princess? Do people see those characteristics when they look at you? Come on, ladies! Let's work to look a lot more like royalty, and a lot less like a hot mess!
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised! Proverbs 31:31
For years, Christians and others have pointed out the faults of the Disney series of Princess movies. They give girls false ideas about "Prince Charming", they place a high value on physical appearance and the princesses are always proportionally perfect, etc etc. But after watching Beauty and the Beast this week, I can't help but notice some amazing things about these girls that I never noticed before.
1. Incredible kindness. Think back on every movie you've watched with a female heroine or princess involved. Was she ever cruel to someone? Did she ever say mean things or mock the people around her? No, in fact, these ladies tend to be almost sickeningly sweet to everyone around them. They stand up for the downtrodden, make friends with rejects and woodland creatures, and fall in love with ugly beasts.
2. incredible Bravery. It seems each princess faces some sort of obstacle which would seem to each of us in the same situation, devastating or insurmountable. But they never back down, they never lay down and die, and they almost always make the best of their circumstances.
3. Incredibly Crafty. Think about this: when was the last time a princess story didn't involve that princess being able to do something with skill: sew, sing, cook, explore, treat wounds, read super fast, etc?
4. Incredible Faith. None of these ladies lose hope. Belle makes the best of her situation even in captivity and begins to trust in a beast who at one point took her father and then herself as prisoner. Snow White trusts everyone she encounters, to a fault. She also never loses hope that her prince charming will come and rescue her. Cinderella runs off to a ball in a magical gown that a fairy from nowhere dresses her in and trusts that at midnight and no earlier will it fall to pieces. She steps into a carriage made from a pumpkin and trusts it to get her across town.
I give these examples tongue-in-cheek because I am very aware of how silly they are and how these situations do not translate to human life...and of course that these are all stories written by people and not actual events that took place. However, I feel we ought to give credit where credit is due! The movie industry actually glamorized some of the traits that we ought to hold within ourselves as women! Trust, bravery, honing our skills, and my favorite, kindness, all run through the plots of each movie and leave us wishing we could be as gracious, humble, sweet, and capable as these women. Of course, we also wish we could find that prince charming, but that's neither here nor there...
So, are you a Disney princess? Do people see those characteristics when they look at you? Come on, ladies! Let's work to look a lot more like royalty, and a lot less like a hot mess!
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised! Proverbs 31:31
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Parents, this one's for you.
One moment really can change your life.
I was given a beautiful and priceless gift this evening. As I opened the door to Elenie's side of the van (the van I'm borrowing from my parents), I was suddenly seeing her tucked in her seat as if she was a newborn on her first trip home. Maybe it's because she still seems so small and cuddly, but that girl breaks my heart in two every time I see her. Each of my girls is so dear to me, so much a blessing to me that I sometimes think I'll burst from all the love radiating in my heart. Tonight was one of those nights - a night where tucking them into bed is the most treasured thing in the world and I have to work not to cry at just being able to hold them and put them somewhere warm and safe to sleep.
Does anybody else do this sometimes? Love makes you cry?
Who decided I was competent enough to be given these two precious angels to care for? To clothe, to feed, to protect? I'm fairly certain the car accident on Saturday has deepened my appreciation tenfold for every sweet moment I get to be with my girls. Ever since John died, I've seen life from a very different perspective. Instead of wondering what I'll be doing this time next year or planning for the future, I care so much more about what I'm doing today. I am NOT guaranteed tomorrow! That car accident could have gone much differently - I know this from experience since a motorcycle accident took John's life! That could have gone very differently as well! We can't control all the circumstances in our lives; we can't stop some things from happening to us. But we do have the opportunity to live right now, right here! I may not have tomorrow with my children, but I have right now, today. I have this moment to do my absolute best to show them love, joy, affection, teach them right from wrong, allow them to bless my heart, and experience new things with them.
I never expected to be a stay-at-home Mom. I always thought I'd be a teacher just like my mom. And maybe I still will be in one form or another, I'm only 24. But do you know what? I don't care if I never finish my degree, if I never have a "career" or feel like I've "made something of myself". These girls deserve my devotion, my care, my attention. They are my life's work!
I have to end this with a prayer, it's what I'm doing here in my bedroom as I type, so I'll share it with you.
Dear Jesus,
Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. They are so beautiful. They make me feel so loved and so inadequate all at the same time. Thank you for teaching me so many lessons through them just in the short time I've had them. Thank you for trusting me with their delicate lives. Please help me to always put them before myself and to love them like you love me - to sacrifice myself for them and to never let them believe they have to earn my love. Please forgive me in the million ways I fail every day as their mommy. And help me to get back up in the morning ready to take on the task you have appointed me with joy and eagerness. I love you and I pray all these things in your name, Amen.
I was given a beautiful and priceless gift this evening. As I opened the door to Elenie's side of the van (the van I'm borrowing from my parents), I was suddenly seeing her tucked in her seat as if she was a newborn on her first trip home. Maybe it's because she still seems so small and cuddly, but that girl breaks my heart in two every time I see her. Each of my girls is so dear to me, so much a blessing to me that I sometimes think I'll burst from all the love radiating in my heart. Tonight was one of those nights - a night where tucking them into bed is the most treasured thing in the world and I have to work not to cry at just being able to hold them and put them somewhere warm and safe to sleep.
Does anybody else do this sometimes? Love makes you cry?
Who decided I was competent enough to be given these two precious angels to care for? To clothe, to feed, to protect? I'm fairly certain the car accident on Saturday has deepened my appreciation tenfold for every sweet moment I get to be with my girls. Ever since John died, I've seen life from a very different perspective. Instead of wondering what I'll be doing this time next year or planning for the future, I care so much more about what I'm doing today. I am NOT guaranteed tomorrow! That car accident could have gone much differently - I know this from experience since a motorcycle accident took John's life! That could have gone very differently as well! We can't control all the circumstances in our lives; we can't stop some things from happening to us. But we do have the opportunity to live right now, right here! I may not have tomorrow with my children, but I have right now, today. I have this moment to do my absolute best to show them love, joy, affection, teach them right from wrong, allow them to bless my heart, and experience new things with them.
I never expected to be a stay-at-home Mom. I always thought I'd be a teacher just like my mom. And maybe I still will be in one form or another, I'm only 24. But do you know what? I don't care if I never finish my degree, if I never have a "career" or feel like I've "made something of myself". These girls deserve my devotion, my care, my attention. They are my life's work!
I have to end this with a prayer, it's what I'm doing here in my bedroom as I type, so I'll share it with you.
Dear Jesus,
Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. They are so beautiful. They make me feel so loved and so inadequate all at the same time. Thank you for teaching me so many lessons through them just in the short time I've had them. Thank you for trusting me with their delicate lives. Please help me to always put them before myself and to love them like you love me - to sacrifice myself for them and to never let them believe they have to earn my love. Please forgive me in the million ways I fail every day as their mommy. And help me to get back up in the morning ready to take on the task you have appointed me with joy and eagerness. I love you and I pray all these things in your name, Amen.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
2012
Today is the last day of this year. It's hard to believe that I find that a little sad. I thought all I'd feel is excited for it to be over and for a year afresh to be at my feet. But among that excitement is an unmistakable sadness.
I feel I have to bid farewell to what my life used to be. To admit that in the year to come, I will never once get to speak to my husband, hear him play or sing, or watch him with his daughters. No, this year will be void of John, and with each passing day the memories of him will only grow dimmer. I can resolve to mention him often, play the cd of his music every day, hang his pictures, and keep his clothes in his closet. But none of this will change the fact that he won't be coming back. His daughters will continue to change and grow into phases he'll never experience, and I will go on caring for them as a single parent with a broken heart.
But, while I can recognize this sadness and accept it as reality, I will not allow it to define me or the year to come. No, the promise of God's continued love, compassion, hope, plans, and joy for me will sustain me and give me a reason to celebrate the new year that is upon us. I will allow Jeremiah 29:11 to sink in through all the layers of my skin until it seeps into my soul and fills me with the hopeful expectation for the future that can only come from God.
Happy New Year!
Jeremiah 29:11 - For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.
I feel I have to bid farewell to what my life used to be. To admit that in the year to come, I will never once get to speak to my husband, hear him play or sing, or watch him with his daughters. No, this year will be void of John, and with each passing day the memories of him will only grow dimmer. I can resolve to mention him often, play the cd of his music every day, hang his pictures, and keep his clothes in his closet. But none of this will change the fact that he won't be coming back. His daughters will continue to change and grow into phases he'll never experience, and I will go on caring for them as a single parent with a broken heart.
But, while I can recognize this sadness and accept it as reality, I will not allow it to define me or the year to come. No, the promise of God's continued love, compassion, hope, plans, and joy for me will sustain me and give me a reason to celebrate the new year that is upon us. I will allow Jeremiah 29:11 to sink in through all the layers of my skin until it seeps into my soul and fills me with the hopeful expectation for the future that can only come from God.
Happy New Year!
Jeremiah 29:11 - For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.
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