I don't want distractions. I want direction.
I need people to pour into, people to bond with who expect nothing from me. I cannot pretend I have something to give. I don't. My whole heart, my while life was wrapped up in John. When he died I thought I could cut those strings and move on. But they weren't up to me to cut. My God owns those strings and he was the one who tied them in the first place. Only he can undo them, and I'm in no hurry. His plans are best. He holds my future and my purpose in His capable hands. I give it up. I'm done trying.
Oh, How He loves me
How He loves me so
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Names
Wow. I'm dumbfounded. I just had one of those moments where you realize something about yourself that you never knew even though it was right in front of you.
Let me just start off by saying that Beth Moore is awesome. God uses her in so many awesome ways and I'm so grateful that she accepted the calling on her heart to write and to minister to women. She has changed my life through half a dozen studies that I've done or seen of hers. I'm floored by her practicality, her openness, her sincerity, her humor, and her hunger for knowledge and ministry.
Now that that's out of the way, let's get straight to it. Here's the mind-blowing moment I came to:
I have let other people define me.
All of the names I have been called, every insult I've heard or felt was insinuated about me has stuck in my mind and convinced me that I have the potential to be all of those things and that it is my job to constantly work on not being any of them. Now, keep in mind that I am a fairly confident woman, independent, casual, secure in my faith and happy with the kind of person I have turned out to be in many respects. But how did I get here?
I worried. Am I annoying? Am I a know-it-all? Am I self-righteous? These are a few that have stuck with me over the years. Every day with just about every sentence I utter, every person I interact with, the way that I walk, talk, dress, and laugh, I wonder if people see me and think any of those words. I wonder if people actually enjoy being around me or if they pretend to because it's the nice thing to do. Am I sharing too much? Maybe so. But if you've read even one of my blogs, you've probably figured out that I'm really honest. Probably to a fault. See? There I go again! Pointing out and worrying about my faults.
So, here's the part where I'm supposed to say "But now I have figured out how to put all that behind me! Here's the uplifting and encouraging turnaround to share with all of you!" Only, I don't have one of those for this. I don't know what I'm supposed to do about this. I don't know if I'll ever put those things behind me and be able to go a day without thinking about all the things I don't want to be. And furthermore, I'm not sure I'm supposed to. I wonder if there's a balance, a line I'm supposed to live on between insecurity and being aware of my actions. In all honesty I think I've probably been living on that line for a while so I'm not extremely worried about changing my thought patterns. It's just a pretty mind bending revelation I had just now.
And you know what else? For the first time in my life I have people who aren't related who constantly tell me that they think I'm great. A part of me thinks it's sympathy, but in some contexts I can say for certain that it's not. They think I'm amazing, strong, beautiful, and that my personality is attractive. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THIS?? THIS CANNOT BE! I had a husband who loved every part of me and made me feel attractive and confident constantly. But he certainly never verbalized it this much. He was not the kind to wax poetic about his feelings, he mostly acted on them. That's why finding his diary a while back was such a huge discovery for me.
So now I'm surrounded by positive feedback, but I still have those nagging doubts in my head about how much anyone could really like being around me. I can convince myself that they don't really know me, that they know what I want them to know and eventually they'll figure out that I'm nothing to be jazzed about, but so far I've been wrong. What is wrong with these guys? lol
Okay, so let me explain, no, there is too much, let me sum up..
I have the potential to be every bad name I've ever been called or ever thought about myself in the dark recesses of my mind. And so do you. But who are you going to choose to be? Who am I going to choose to be? We all have one place where we can invest our time that will not only remind us of how we don't want to be, but give us something to aspire to. That place is in God's Word. Reading Scripture is THE BEST way to look beyond what people think of you and focus on the expectations that matter, the ONLY expectations that matter. God's expectations. That's where I'm going to attempt to put my focus through reading the Word daily or as close to daily as I can do. Only through pushing the lens of of me and looking more at God can I let go of my narcism and reach for the goals God has in store for me!
Well! I wrapped it up with encouragement anyway! Whod'a thunk??
Amber Lynn
1 John 2:6 - Anyone who claims to live in Him must walk as Jesus did.
Let me just start off by saying that Beth Moore is awesome. God uses her in so many awesome ways and I'm so grateful that she accepted the calling on her heart to write and to minister to women. She has changed my life through half a dozen studies that I've done or seen of hers. I'm floored by her practicality, her openness, her sincerity, her humor, and her hunger for knowledge and ministry.
Now that that's out of the way, let's get straight to it. Here's the mind-blowing moment I came to:
I have let other people define me.
All of the names I have been called, every insult I've heard or felt was insinuated about me has stuck in my mind and convinced me that I have the potential to be all of those things and that it is my job to constantly work on not being any of them. Now, keep in mind that I am a fairly confident woman, independent, casual, secure in my faith and happy with the kind of person I have turned out to be in many respects. But how did I get here?
I worried. Am I annoying? Am I a know-it-all? Am I self-righteous? These are a few that have stuck with me over the years. Every day with just about every sentence I utter, every person I interact with, the way that I walk, talk, dress, and laugh, I wonder if people see me and think any of those words. I wonder if people actually enjoy being around me or if they pretend to because it's the nice thing to do. Am I sharing too much? Maybe so. But if you've read even one of my blogs, you've probably figured out that I'm really honest. Probably to a fault. See? There I go again! Pointing out and worrying about my faults.
So, here's the part where I'm supposed to say "But now I have figured out how to put all that behind me! Here's the uplifting and encouraging turnaround to share with all of you!" Only, I don't have one of those for this. I don't know what I'm supposed to do about this. I don't know if I'll ever put those things behind me and be able to go a day without thinking about all the things I don't want to be. And furthermore, I'm not sure I'm supposed to. I wonder if there's a balance, a line I'm supposed to live on between insecurity and being aware of my actions. In all honesty I think I've probably been living on that line for a while so I'm not extremely worried about changing my thought patterns. It's just a pretty mind bending revelation I had just now.
And you know what else? For the first time in my life I have people who aren't related who constantly tell me that they think I'm great. A part of me thinks it's sympathy, but in some contexts I can say for certain that it's not. They think I'm amazing, strong, beautiful, and that my personality is attractive. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THIS?? THIS CANNOT BE! I had a husband who loved every part of me and made me feel attractive and confident constantly. But he certainly never verbalized it this much. He was not the kind to wax poetic about his feelings, he mostly acted on them. That's why finding his diary a while back was such a huge discovery for me.
So now I'm surrounded by positive feedback, but I still have those nagging doubts in my head about how much anyone could really like being around me. I can convince myself that they don't really know me, that they know what I want them to know and eventually they'll figure out that I'm nothing to be jazzed about, but so far I've been wrong. What is wrong with these guys? lol
Okay, so let me explain, no, there is too much, let me sum up..
I have the potential to be every bad name I've ever been called or ever thought about myself in the dark recesses of my mind. And so do you. But who are you going to choose to be? Who am I going to choose to be? We all have one place where we can invest our time that will not only remind us of how we don't want to be, but give us something to aspire to. That place is in God's Word. Reading Scripture is THE BEST way to look beyond what people think of you and focus on the expectations that matter, the ONLY expectations that matter. God's expectations. That's where I'm going to attempt to put my focus through reading the Word daily or as close to daily as I can do. Only through pushing the lens of of me and looking more at God can I let go of my narcism and reach for the goals God has in store for me!
Well! I wrapped it up with encouragement anyway! Whod'a thunk??
Amber Lynn
1 John 2:6 - Anyone who claims to live in Him must walk as Jesus did.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Princess Lessons
Lessons from Disney
For years, Christians and others have pointed out the faults of the Disney series of Princess movies. They give girls false ideas about "Prince Charming", they place a high value on physical appearance and the princesses are always proportionally perfect, etc etc. But after watching Beauty and the Beast this week, I can't help but notice some amazing things about these girls that I never noticed before.
1. Incredible kindness. Think back on every movie you've watched with a female heroine or princess involved. Was she ever cruel to someone? Did she ever say mean things or mock the people around her? No, in fact, these ladies tend to be almost sickeningly sweet to everyone around them. They stand up for the downtrodden, make friends with rejects and woodland creatures, and fall in love with ugly beasts.
2. incredible Bravery. It seems each princess faces some sort of obstacle which would seem to each of us in the same situation, devastating or insurmountable. But they never back down, they never lay down and die, and they almost always make the best of their circumstances.
3. Incredibly Crafty. Think about this: when was the last time a princess story didn't involve that princess being able to do something with skill: sew, sing, cook, explore, treat wounds, read super fast, etc?
4. Incredible Faith. None of these ladies lose hope. Belle makes the best of her situation even in captivity and begins to trust in a beast who at one point took her father and then herself as prisoner. Snow White trusts everyone she encounters, to a fault. She also never loses hope that her prince charming will come and rescue her. Cinderella runs off to a ball in a magical gown that a fairy from nowhere dresses her in and trusts that at midnight and no earlier will it fall to pieces. She steps into a carriage made from a pumpkin and trusts it to get her across town.
I give these examples tongue-in-cheek because I am very aware of how silly they are and how these situations do not translate to human life...and of course that these are all stories written by people and not actual events that took place. However, I feel we ought to give credit where credit is due! The movie industry actually glamorized some of the traits that we ought to hold within ourselves as women! Trust, bravery, honing our skills, and my favorite, kindness, all run through the plots of each movie and leave us wishing we could be as gracious, humble, sweet, and capable as these women. Of course, we also wish we could find that prince charming, but that's neither here nor there...
So, are you a Disney princess? Do people see those characteristics when they look at you? Come on, ladies! Let's work to look a lot more like royalty, and a lot less like a hot mess!
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised! Proverbs 31:31
For years, Christians and others have pointed out the faults of the Disney series of Princess movies. They give girls false ideas about "Prince Charming", they place a high value on physical appearance and the princesses are always proportionally perfect, etc etc. But after watching Beauty and the Beast this week, I can't help but notice some amazing things about these girls that I never noticed before.
1. Incredible kindness. Think back on every movie you've watched with a female heroine or princess involved. Was she ever cruel to someone? Did she ever say mean things or mock the people around her? No, in fact, these ladies tend to be almost sickeningly sweet to everyone around them. They stand up for the downtrodden, make friends with rejects and woodland creatures, and fall in love with ugly beasts.
2. incredible Bravery. It seems each princess faces some sort of obstacle which would seem to each of us in the same situation, devastating or insurmountable. But they never back down, they never lay down and die, and they almost always make the best of their circumstances.
3. Incredibly Crafty. Think about this: when was the last time a princess story didn't involve that princess being able to do something with skill: sew, sing, cook, explore, treat wounds, read super fast, etc?
4. Incredible Faith. None of these ladies lose hope. Belle makes the best of her situation even in captivity and begins to trust in a beast who at one point took her father and then herself as prisoner. Snow White trusts everyone she encounters, to a fault. She also never loses hope that her prince charming will come and rescue her. Cinderella runs off to a ball in a magical gown that a fairy from nowhere dresses her in and trusts that at midnight and no earlier will it fall to pieces. She steps into a carriage made from a pumpkin and trusts it to get her across town.
I give these examples tongue-in-cheek because I am very aware of how silly they are and how these situations do not translate to human life...and of course that these are all stories written by people and not actual events that took place. However, I feel we ought to give credit where credit is due! The movie industry actually glamorized some of the traits that we ought to hold within ourselves as women! Trust, bravery, honing our skills, and my favorite, kindness, all run through the plots of each movie and leave us wishing we could be as gracious, humble, sweet, and capable as these women. Of course, we also wish we could find that prince charming, but that's neither here nor there...
So, are you a Disney princess? Do people see those characteristics when they look at you? Come on, ladies! Let's work to look a lot more like royalty, and a lot less like a hot mess!
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised! Proverbs 31:31
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Parents, this one's for you.
One moment really can change your life.
I was given a beautiful and priceless gift this evening. As I opened the door to Elenie's side of the van (the van I'm borrowing from my parents), I was suddenly seeing her tucked in her seat as if she was a newborn on her first trip home. Maybe it's because she still seems so small and cuddly, but that girl breaks my heart in two every time I see her. Each of my girls is so dear to me, so much a blessing to me that I sometimes think I'll burst from all the love radiating in my heart. Tonight was one of those nights - a night where tucking them into bed is the most treasured thing in the world and I have to work not to cry at just being able to hold them and put them somewhere warm and safe to sleep.
Does anybody else do this sometimes? Love makes you cry?
Who decided I was competent enough to be given these two precious angels to care for? To clothe, to feed, to protect? I'm fairly certain the car accident on Saturday has deepened my appreciation tenfold for every sweet moment I get to be with my girls. Ever since John died, I've seen life from a very different perspective. Instead of wondering what I'll be doing this time next year or planning for the future, I care so much more about what I'm doing today. I am NOT guaranteed tomorrow! That car accident could have gone much differently - I know this from experience since a motorcycle accident took John's life! That could have gone very differently as well! We can't control all the circumstances in our lives; we can't stop some things from happening to us. But we do have the opportunity to live right now, right here! I may not have tomorrow with my children, but I have right now, today. I have this moment to do my absolute best to show them love, joy, affection, teach them right from wrong, allow them to bless my heart, and experience new things with them.
I never expected to be a stay-at-home Mom. I always thought I'd be a teacher just like my mom. And maybe I still will be in one form or another, I'm only 24. But do you know what? I don't care if I never finish my degree, if I never have a "career" or feel like I've "made something of myself". These girls deserve my devotion, my care, my attention. They are my life's work!
I have to end this with a prayer, it's what I'm doing here in my bedroom as I type, so I'll share it with you.
Dear Jesus,
Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. They are so beautiful. They make me feel so loved and so inadequate all at the same time. Thank you for teaching me so many lessons through them just in the short time I've had them. Thank you for trusting me with their delicate lives. Please help me to always put them before myself and to love them like you love me - to sacrifice myself for them and to never let them believe they have to earn my love. Please forgive me in the million ways I fail every day as their mommy. And help me to get back up in the morning ready to take on the task you have appointed me with joy and eagerness. I love you and I pray all these things in your name, Amen.
I was given a beautiful and priceless gift this evening. As I opened the door to Elenie's side of the van (the van I'm borrowing from my parents), I was suddenly seeing her tucked in her seat as if she was a newborn on her first trip home. Maybe it's because she still seems so small and cuddly, but that girl breaks my heart in two every time I see her. Each of my girls is so dear to me, so much a blessing to me that I sometimes think I'll burst from all the love radiating in my heart. Tonight was one of those nights - a night where tucking them into bed is the most treasured thing in the world and I have to work not to cry at just being able to hold them and put them somewhere warm and safe to sleep.
Does anybody else do this sometimes? Love makes you cry?
Who decided I was competent enough to be given these two precious angels to care for? To clothe, to feed, to protect? I'm fairly certain the car accident on Saturday has deepened my appreciation tenfold for every sweet moment I get to be with my girls. Ever since John died, I've seen life from a very different perspective. Instead of wondering what I'll be doing this time next year or planning for the future, I care so much more about what I'm doing today. I am NOT guaranteed tomorrow! That car accident could have gone much differently - I know this from experience since a motorcycle accident took John's life! That could have gone very differently as well! We can't control all the circumstances in our lives; we can't stop some things from happening to us. But we do have the opportunity to live right now, right here! I may not have tomorrow with my children, but I have right now, today. I have this moment to do my absolute best to show them love, joy, affection, teach them right from wrong, allow them to bless my heart, and experience new things with them.
I never expected to be a stay-at-home Mom. I always thought I'd be a teacher just like my mom. And maybe I still will be in one form or another, I'm only 24. But do you know what? I don't care if I never finish my degree, if I never have a "career" or feel like I've "made something of myself". These girls deserve my devotion, my care, my attention. They are my life's work!
I have to end this with a prayer, it's what I'm doing here in my bedroom as I type, so I'll share it with you.
Dear Jesus,
Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. They are so beautiful. They make me feel so loved and so inadequate all at the same time. Thank you for teaching me so many lessons through them just in the short time I've had them. Thank you for trusting me with their delicate lives. Please help me to always put them before myself and to love them like you love me - to sacrifice myself for them and to never let them believe they have to earn my love. Please forgive me in the million ways I fail every day as their mommy. And help me to get back up in the morning ready to take on the task you have appointed me with joy and eagerness. I love you and I pray all these things in your name, Amen.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
2012
Today is the last day of this year. It's hard to believe that I find that a little sad. I thought all I'd feel is excited for it to be over and for a year afresh to be at my feet. But among that excitement is an unmistakable sadness.
I feel I have to bid farewell to what my life used to be. To admit that in the year to come, I will never once get to speak to my husband, hear him play or sing, or watch him with his daughters. No, this year will be void of John, and with each passing day the memories of him will only grow dimmer. I can resolve to mention him often, play the cd of his music every day, hang his pictures, and keep his clothes in his closet. But none of this will change the fact that he won't be coming back. His daughters will continue to change and grow into phases he'll never experience, and I will go on caring for them as a single parent with a broken heart.
But, while I can recognize this sadness and accept it as reality, I will not allow it to define me or the year to come. No, the promise of God's continued love, compassion, hope, plans, and joy for me will sustain me and give me a reason to celebrate the new year that is upon us. I will allow Jeremiah 29:11 to sink in through all the layers of my skin until it seeps into my soul and fills me with the hopeful expectation for the future that can only come from God.
Happy New Year!
Jeremiah 29:11 - For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.
I feel I have to bid farewell to what my life used to be. To admit that in the year to come, I will never once get to speak to my husband, hear him play or sing, or watch him with his daughters. No, this year will be void of John, and with each passing day the memories of him will only grow dimmer. I can resolve to mention him often, play the cd of his music every day, hang his pictures, and keep his clothes in his closet. But none of this will change the fact that he won't be coming back. His daughters will continue to change and grow into phases he'll never experience, and I will go on caring for them as a single parent with a broken heart.
But, while I can recognize this sadness and accept it as reality, I will not allow it to define me or the year to come. No, the promise of God's continued love, compassion, hope, plans, and joy for me will sustain me and give me a reason to celebrate the new year that is upon us. I will allow Jeremiah 29:11 to sink in through all the layers of my skin until it seeps into my soul and fills me with the hopeful expectation for the future that can only come from God.
Happy New Year!
Jeremiah 29:11 - For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
2011 Christmas Letter
I'm pretty sure that nobody I know figured I'd write a Christmas letter. I didn't think so either. I mean, I've just had the worst year of my life, lost the closest person to me and the father to my children in a motorcycle accident, had my life ripped apart at the seams and uprooted to move to the other side of the world. Certainly doesn't seem appropriate to expect a cheery update letter on how our little family is doing and our comings and goings. Right?
Maybe so. But that doesn't change the fact that a writer is a big chunk of who I am, and that writing this letter might be a good idea just for me. So let's put things in perspective.
2011 was a huge year for our family. After the addition of our newest member, Elenie Jane in December of 2010, January started very busy from the get go. John had been visiting for a month after her birth and returned to South Korea on January 9, his 27th birthday. As soon as he left all I could think about was joining him.
We did just that in March, after having our belongings packed in February and returning to MIssouri for 2 weeks to visit family and say our goodbyes. March 13th we flew the long long trip to Korea - the 2 girls and me, that is. The journey was long and hard, but with the help of kind and friendly strangers at several airports along the way and even on the plane, we all made it with all limbs intact. John had prepared a very nice apartment for us in a building with two wonderful families that we got to know fairly well during our time there. For the next month or so we worked on settling in and adjusting to life in South Korea - temperatures, vehicles, culture, food, sleep schedule, going on and off post, etc. I believe it was in April that we started attending a Church group with some friends we'd made at their home nearby. That group became our Sunday church service and those people were our brothers and sisters who challenged us, laughed with us, and watched our children grow.
Korea was a different planet but with a nice little installment of America with most of the resources we could have needed on post at Camp Humphreys. I soon found out about many different opportunities to get the kids out, let them play, and meet other moms. John was hard at work flying constantly and doing many other side jobs. He absolutely loved being a fixed-wing pilot with the relaxed atmosphere, cushy plane, and the ability to climb to higher heights than he'd gotten the opportunity to inside a helicopter. He often described the feeling and beauty of finally reaching the top of the clouds and rising above all the weather to see the sun in all its beauty no matter how it looked to us down below on earth. In fact, he once said to me, "The sunrise is always beautiful at 20,000 feet."
In May we went to visit one of the biggest cities in Korea, Daegu. We loved it and did a lot of walking and site seeing! We decided to go back on our anniversary in June. Both times we took the kids and had a great time! We explored Apsan Mountain and took a tram up through the mountains to the very top! It was a foggy day, but a beautiful view nonetheless. We also walked through the city and took a taxi to eat at 2 different American restaurants - haha! John and I never grew attached to Korean food and ate traditional Korean a handful of times at most. We tend to grow attached to a restaurant and continue to go back there over and over, and in Korea it was no different. We ate on post more often than anything and constantly traveled to Osan Air Force Base which was about 20 minutes away for shopping and leisure.
In June we celebrated our 5th anniversary in Daegu.
I believe it was in July that my softball league finished up their season in second place out of the 4 teams, which was a great ending to my first season playing softball. Mostly I got stuck out in the outfield, but it was good practice for the future and experience to grow on. :)
At some point during the early summer John was finally given a job he had trained to do, Air Life Support Equipment Officer. He had his own office and grew quite cozy in his position which he manned when he wasn't flying. Basically, anything the pilots used or needed on board the planes they flew would be brought to him for repairs or replacement, if I understand correctly. I loved to call him at his office and hear his mandatory greeting, "3rd MI ALSE shop, Buffett speaking."
During the month of August, Camp Humphreys had organized a women's Soccer week that I was very excited to participate in. It was a very fun week and very tiring! The Saturday of my final day in the soccer camp, John and the kids watched Mom play and win the game and get nice and sunburned. Of course, John did not escape without a red glow as well. ;)
That afternoon we all played outside, rollerblading, riding a tricycle, and washing motorcycles. It was a gorgeous day and everyone was in good spirits. Later that evening we attended a pool party for John's battalion.
The next day was a Sunday, August 28th. The girls and I woke up sick with a head cold, so we all decided not to go to church that afternoon so the rest of the families wouldn't catch whatever we had. John felt fine, though, so he decided to call a couple of buddies and make up for a motorcycle ride that he had missed a few days earlier. They decided to meet at 1pm that day to ride to Osan.
John left the house that day planning to return and make biscuits and gravy for dinner, hang out with his family, and enjoy the rest of the weekend. However, while driving his motorcycle, John was hit by a car and killed almost instantly.
The next days and weeks became a blur of paperwork, visits, and memorials. Eventually the girls and I got on a plane and landed in Missouri, where we lived with my parents until we bought a house in late October. During this time, I turned 24 and Airalynn turned 3. Airalynn's birthday was commemmorated by a great big party at the park with a Spongebob pinata included!
The season of fall was one of recovery. Through the help of dozens of friends and family members, I have done my best to give the girls a stable life filled with love and consistency. We found a church home almost immediately, where I now volunteer as the assistant youth leader every Wednesday and where the girls have grown to love their Sunday school classes and Airalynn constantly asks to go to church. We love to spend time with family and make time whenever possible to do just that. Thanksgiving was wonderful and full of love and laughter. The girls have kept growing and changing with incredible speed! Elenie turned 1 on December 1st, and since then has decided she's going to get 4 teeth at once and start "talking" constantly, to the pure delight of her mother. She is also a stinker who likes to get into everything, especially things that are off-limits. Airalynn keeps getting smarter and funnier and loves to read and jump on the bed. :-)
All three girls are doing well, feeling loved, and continuing to learn and change almost daily.I am larning to see each day as a new opportunity to live life to the fullest, and I know my most important role in this life is to be the best mother I can be to my sweet girls and to teach them about God and about love.
2012 will be a good year, and it will be a new year. Change is not always good, and not always bad, it just is. We welcome you, New Year!
Maybe so. But that doesn't change the fact that a writer is a big chunk of who I am, and that writing this letter might be a good idea just for me. So let's put things in perspective.
2011 was a huge year for our family. After the addition of our newest member, Elenie Jane in December of 2010, January started very busy from the get go. John had been visiting for a month after her birth and returned to South Korea on January 9, his 27th birthday. As soon as he left all I could think about was joining him.
We did just that in March, after having our belongings packed in February and returning to MIssouri for 2 weeks to visit family and say our goodbyes. March 13th we flew the long long trip to Korea - the 2 girls and me, that is. The journey was long and hard, but with the help of kind and friendly strangers at several airports along the way and even on the plane, we all made it with all limbs intact. John had prepared a very nice apartment for us in a building with two wonderful families that we got to know fairly well during our time there. For the next month or so we worked on settling in and adjusting to life in South Korea - temperatures, vehicles, culture, food, sleep schedule, going on and off post, etc. I believe it was in April that we started attending a Church group with some friends we'd made at their home nearby. That group became our Sunday church service and those people were our brothers and sisters who challenged us, laughed with us, and watched our children grow.
Korea was a different planet but with a nice little installment of America with most of the resources we could have needed on post at Camp Humphreys. I soon found out about many different opportunities to get the kids out, let them play, and meet other moms. John was hard at work flying constantly and doing many other side jobs. He absolutely loved being a fixed-wing pilot with the relaxed atmosphere, cushy plane, and the ability to climb to higher heights than he'd gotten the opportunity to inside a helicopter. He often described the feeling and beauty of finally reaching the top of the clouds and rising above all the weather to see the sun in all its beauty no matter how it looked to us down below on earth. In fact, he once said to me, "The sunrise is always beautiful at 20,000 feet."
In May we went to visit one of the biggest cities in Korea, Daegu. We loved it and did a lot of walking and site seeing! We decided to go back on our anniversary in June. Both times we took the kids and had a great time! We explored Apsan Mountain and took a tram up through the mountains to the very top! It was a foggy day, but a beautiful view nonetheless. We also walked through the city and took a taxi to eat at 2 different American restaurants - haha! John and I never grew attached to Korean food and ate traditional Korean a handful of times at most. We tend to grow attached to a restaurant and continue to go back there over and over, and in Korea it was no different. We ate on post more often than anything and constantly traveled to Osan Air Force Base which was about 20 minutes away for shopping and leisure.
In June we celebrated our 5th anniversary in Daegu.
I believe it was in July that my softball league finished up their season in second place out of the 4 teams, which was a great ending to my first season playing softball. Mostly I got stuck out in the outfield, but it was good practice for the future and experience to grow on. :)
At some point during the early summer John was finally given a job he had trained to do, Air Life Support Equipment Officer. He had his own office and grew quite cozy in his position which he manned when he wasn't flying. Basically, anything the pilots used or needed on board the planes they flew would be brought to him for repairs or replacement, if I understand correctly. I loved to call him at his office and hear his mandatory greeting, "3rd MI ALSE shop, Buffett speaking."
During the month of August, Camp Humphreys had organized a women's Soccer week that I was very excited to participate in. It was a very fun week and very tiring! The Saturday of my final day in the soccer camp, John and the kids watched Mom play and win the game and get nice and sunburned. Of course, John did not escape without a red glow as well. ;)
That afternoon we all played outside, rollerblading, riding a tricycle, and washing motorcycles. It was a gorgeous day and everyone was in good spirits. Later that evening we attended a pool party for John's battalion.
The next day was a Sunday, August 28th. The girls and I woke up sick with a head cold, so we all decided not to go to church that afternoon so the rest of the families wouldn't catch whatever we had. John felt fine, though, so he decided to call a couple of buddies and make up for a motorcycle ride that he had missed a few days earlier. They decided to meet at 1pm that day to ride to Osan.
John left the house that day planning to return and make biscuits and gravy for dinner, hang out with his family, and enjoy the rest of the weekend. However, while driving his motorcycle, John was hit by a car and killed almost instantly.
The next days and weeks became a blur of paperwork, visits, and memorials. Eventually the girls and I got on a plane and landed in Missouri, where we lived with my parents until we bought a house in late October. During this time, I turned 24 and Airalynn turned 3. Airalynn's birthday was commemmorated by a great big party at the park with a Spongebob pinata included!
The season of fall was one of recovery. Through the help of dozens of friends and family members, I have done my best to give the girls a stable life filled with love and consistency. We found a church home almost immediately, where I now volunteer as the assistant youth leader every Wednesday and where the girls have grown to love their Sunday school classes and Airalynn constantly asks to go to church. We love to spend time with family and make time whenever possible to do just that. Thanksgiving was wonderful and full of love and laughter. The girls have kept growing and changing with incredible speed! Elenie turned 1 on December 1st, and since then has decided she's going to get 4 teeth at once and start "talking" constantly, to the pure delight of her mother. She is also a stinker who likes to get into everything, especially things that are off-limits. Airalynn keeps getting smarter and funnier and loves to read and jump on the bed. :-)
All three girls are doing well, feeling loved, and continuing to learn and change almost daily.I am larning to see each day as a new opportunity to live life to the fullest, and I know my most important role in this life is to be the best mother I can be to my sweet girls and to teach them about God and about love.
2012 will be a good year, and it will be a new year. Change is not always good, and not always bad, it just is. We welcome you, New Year!
Flashback
I had a moment just now where my mind forgot for a moment that I was supposed to be moving on, moving forward, letting go of the pain. I flashed back to what my life used to be. It's not so different now. In fact it's much the same. There's just this one piece that isn't there anymore. And I can't even fathom it. How did I get here?? Where did the last 23 years of my life go? Sometimes it is hard to believe that I actually lived them. Suddenly I'm standing here in my house that I own, surrounded by my stuff, my kids in their rooms, my dog outside, my family all only a few miles away...and I don't know how I got here. And I don't know why John's not here with me. The why of it all is the real kick in the teeth. Yeah, I can live without him, yeah I can take care of my family by myself, yeah I can make due in any circumstance with God as my rock...but WHY?
I want to go back. I desperately want to go back to my wedding day, to do things differently. Set a different plan in motion that doesn't end this way. I think up until this moment I thought I'd used my time wisely. Up until just now, I thought I'd taken advantage of every opportunity I had to be with John. But right now, all i can think of is how many times I could have done something different, been more mature, more encouraging, more open. Because every single opportunity I had to love him is gone. There are no more chances. And though I loved him with every piece of me, never let him doubt how much I cared and respected him, and never left his side, somehow I still have regrets. But I think it all boils down to this: I regret that I can't be with him now. I can convince myself that I wasn't good enough, nice enough, didn't love enough while he was alive. But I know that's not it. The sadness and anger I feel is not for what I didn't do, but for what I don't get to do anymore.
I'm betting there's still a piece of my brain that believes he's just gone for training and will be back eventually. I know that he's not, I'm not in denial. But I don't know that all of me will ever accept his absence as normal. I look at his pictures and this line keeps repeating in my brain, "He's gone. He's not alive anymore. He may look healthy, strong, and beautiful, but he's no longer alive." I think that line keeps replaying in order to convince me that it's true. That trick may never work.
Dear John,
I miss you. Every single day would be better if you were here. Your kids would be happier, my life would be fuller, and many others would be touched by you every day. This really sucks, Babe. And I don't get it.
-Amber
I want to go back. I desperately want to go back to my wedding day, to do things differently. Set a different plan in motion that doesn't end this way. I think up until this moment I thought I'd used my time wisely. Up until just now, I thought I'd taken advantage of every opportunity I had to be with John. But right now, all i can think of is how many times I could have done something different, been more mature, more encouraging, more open. Because every single opportunity I had to love him is gone. There are no more chances. And though I loved him with every piece of me, never let him doubt how much I cared and respected him, and never left his side, somehow I still have regrets. But I think it all boils down to this: I regret that I can't be with him now. I can convince myself that I wasn't good enough, nice enough, didn't love enough while he was alive. But I know that's not it. The sadness and anger I feel is not for what I didn't do, but for what I don't get to do anymore.
I'm betting there's still a piece of my brain that believes he's just gone for training and will be back eventually. I know that he's not, I'm not in denial. But I don't know that all of me will ever accept his absence as normal. I look at his pictures and this line keeps repeating in my brain, "He's gone. He's not alive anymore. He may look healthy, strong, and beautiful, but he's no longer alive." I think that line keeps replaying in order to convince me that it's true. That trick may never work.
Dear John,
I miss you. Every single day would be better if you were here. Your kids would be happier, my life would be fuller, and many others would be touched by you every day. This really sucks, Babe. And I don't get it.
-Amber
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