Messy

Sounds about right. If I had to choose a word to describe myself today, that would be it. Scratch that, I'm pretty sure I'm a big mess every day.
I keep coming up with a million tasks around my house that need done and making a list, and then proceeding to waste my time on facebook, watching a movie, etc instead of doing the projects that I dread. I know that once I've finished them, I'll feel sorted out, accomplished, and on task. It's just the getting started that screws me up.
And then there's my heart. My stupid, aching heart. There are 2 major struggles I'm dealing with right now regarding that blood-pumping organ. The first is an issue of forgetting or lingering. I don't know what to do with John. His physical body is gone, but his presence in our lives feels like something I have to decide what to do with. Invite it in? Ask it politely to leave so I can move past the pain? Set up a tribute to him on my dining room wall and put his guitars out for display? Or simply accept his presence in our family pictures as a part of our lives in the past? Put all his things down in the basement so that I don't have to look at them, or unpack his clothes and hang them in my cloest so i can feel like something is normal for once?
As with all areas of life, I'm certain this comes down to a balance. I know that it isn't all or nothing, pain or letting go, forgetting or filling my life with pieces of him. I know there's a middle ground, and that time and perspective will help me find it. But patience is a virtue that I haven't mastered in the least. I just want all the answers now! I want to know exactly what to do, and then i want to be given the perseverance to follow through and carry it out!
James 1:2-4- "Therefore, my brothers and sisters, consider it pure joy whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
Have I ever EVER lived this out more exactly? (the trials and need for perseverance, not the being mature and complete part)
The second issue is one that I'm not ready to share, but suffice it to say, I need some prayer, patience, and perseverance desperately here as well.
Well, here comes the part where I live out the ideas that I post - since the reason I post them is so that I might be more inspired to follow through. I guess I'll get up and move to the first project on my list, it being the least detailed or extensive - cleaning my room.
Until next time,

Me.