Today is the last day of this year. It's hard to believe that I find that a little sad. I thought all I'd feel is excited for it to be over and for a year afresh to be at my feet. But among that excitement is an unmistakable sadness.
I feel I have to bid farewell to what my life used to be. To admit that in the year to come, I will never once get to speak to my husband, hear him play or sing, or watch him with his daughters. No, this year will be void of John, and with each passing day the memories of him will only grow dimmer. I can resolve to mention him often, play the cd of his music every day, hang his pictures, and keep his clothes in his closet. But none of this will change the fact that he won't be coming back. His daughters will continue to change and grow into phases he'll never experience, and I will go on caring for them as a single parent with a broken heart.
But, while I can recognize this sadness and accept it as reality, I will not allow it to define me or the year to come. No, the promise of God's continued love, compassion, hope, plans, and joy for me will sustain me and give me a reason to celebrate the new year that is upon us. I will allow Jeremiah 29:11 to sink in through all the layers of my skin until it seeps into my soul and fills me with the hopeful expectation for the future that can only come from God.
Happy New Year!
Jeremiah 29:11 - For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Thursday, December 29, 2011
2011 Christmas Letter
I'm pretty sure that nobody I know figured I'd write a Christmas letter. I didn't think so either. I mean, I've just had the worst year of my life, lost the closest person to me and the father to my children in a motorcycle accident, had my life ripped apart at the seams and uprooted to move to the other side of the world. Certainly doesn't seem appropriate to expect a cheery update letter on how our little family is doing and our comings and goings. Right?
Maybe so. But that doesn't change the fact that a writer is a big chunk of who I am, and that writing this letter might be a good idea just for me. So let's put things in perspective.
2011 was a huge year for our family. After the addition of our newest member, Elenie Jane in December of 2010, January started very busy from the get go. John had been visiting for a month after her birth and returned to South Korea on January 9, his 27th birthday. As soon as he left all I could think about was joining him.
We did just that in March, after having our belongings packed in February and returning to MIssouri for 2 weeks to visit family and say our goodbyes. March 13th we flew the long long trip to Korea - the 2 girls and me, that is. The journey was long and hard, but with the help of kind and friendly strangers at several airports along the way and even on the plane, we all made it with all limbs intact. John had prepared a very nice apartment for us in a building with two wonderful families that we got to know fairly well during our time there. For the next month or so we worked on settling in and adjusting to life in South Korea - temperatures, vehicles, culture, food, sleep schedule, going on and off post, etc. I believe it was in April that we started attending a Church group with some friends we'd made at their home nearby. That group became our Sunday church service and those people were our brothers and sisters who challenged us, laughed with us, and watched our children grow.
Korea was a different planet but with a nice little installment of America with most of the resources we could have needed on post at Camp Humphreys. I soon found out about many different opportunities to get the kids out, let them play, and meet other moms. John was hard at work flying constantly and doing many other side jobs. He absolutely loved being a fixed-wing pilot with the relaxed atmosphere, cushy plane, and the ability to climb to higher heights than he'd gotten the opportunity to inside a helicopter. He often described the feeling and beauty of finally reaching the top of the clouds and rising above all the weather to see the sun in all its beauty no matter how it looked to us down below on earth. In fact, he once said to me, "The sunrise is always beautiful at 20,000 feet."
In May we went to visit one of the biggest cities in Korea, Daegu. We loved it and did a lot of walking and site seeing! We decided to go back on our anniversary in June. Both times we took the kids and had a great time! We explored Apsan Mountain and took a tram up through the mountains to the very top! It was a foggy day, but a beautiful view nonetheless. We also walked through the city and took a taxi to eat at 2 different American restaurants - haha! John and I never grew attached to Korean food and ate traditional Korean a handful of times at most. We tend to grow attached to a restaurant and continue to go back there over and over, and in Korea it was no different. We ate on post more often than anything and constantly traveled to Osan Air Force Base which was about 20 minutes away for shopping and leisure.
In June we celebrated our 5th anniversary in Daegu.
I believe it was in July that my softball league finished up their season in second place out of the 4 teams, which was a great ending to my first season playing softball. Mostly I got stuck out in the outfield, but it was good practice for the future and experience to grow on. :)
At some point during the early summer John was finally given a job he had trained to do, Air Life Support Equipment Officer. He had his own office and grew quite cozy in his position which he manned when he wasn't flying. Basically, anything the pilots used or needed on board the planes they flew would be brought to him for repairs or replacement, if I understand correctly. I loved to call him at his office and hear his mandatory greeting, "3rd MI ALSE shop, Buffett speaking."
During the month of August, Camp Humphreys had organized a women's Soccer week that I was very excited to participate in. It was a very fun week and very tiring! The Saturday of my final day in the soccer camp, John and the kids watched Mom play and win the game and get nice and sunburned. Of course, John did not escape without a red glow as well. ;)
That afternoon we all played outside, rollerblading, riding a tricycle, and washing motorcycles. It was a gorgeous day and everyone was in good spirits. Later that evening we attended a pool party for John's battalion.
The next day was a Sunday, August 28th. The girls and I woke up sick with a head cold, so we all decided not to go to church that afternoon so the rest of the families wouldn't catch whatever we had. John felt fine, though, so he decided to call a couple of buddies and make up for a motorcycle ride that he had missed a few days earlier. They decided to meet at 1pm that day to ride to Osan.
John left the house that day planning to return and make biscuits and gravy for dinner, hang out with his family, and enjoy the rest of the weekend. However, while driving his motorcycle, John was hit by a car and killed almost instantly.
The next days and weeks became a blur of paperwork, visits, and memorials. Eventually the girls and I got on a plane and landed in Missouri, where we lived with my parents until we bought a house in late October. During this time, I turned 24 and Airalynn turned 3. Airalynn's birthday was commemmorated by a great big party at the park with a Spongebob pinata included!
The season of fall was one of recovery. Through the help of dozens of friends and family members, I have done my best to give the girls a stable life filled with love and consistency. We found a church home almost immediately, where I now volunteer as the assistant youth leader every Wednesday and where the girls have grown to love their Sunday school classes and Airalynn constantly asks to go to church. We love to spend time with family and make time whenever possible to do just that. Thanksgiving was wonderful and full of love and laughter. The girls have kept growing and changing with incredible speed! Elenie turned 1 on December 1st, and since then has decided she's going to get 4 teeth at once and start "talking" constantly, to the pure delight of her mother. She is also a stinker who likes to get into everything, especially things that are off-limits. Airalynn keeps getting smarter and funnier and loves to read and jump on the bed. :-)
All three girls are doing well, feeling loved, and continuing to learn and change almost daily.I am larning to see each day as a new opportunity to live life to the fullest, and I know my most important role in this life is to be the best mother I can be to my sweet girls and to teach them about God and about love.
2012 will be a good year, and it will be a new year. Change is not always good, and not always bad, it just is. We welcome you, New Year!
Maybe so. But that doesn't change the fact that a writer is a big chunk of who I am, and that writing this letter might be a good idea just for me. So let's put things in perspective.
2011 was a huge year for our family. After the addition of our newest member, Elenie Jane in December of 2010, January started very busy from the get go. John had been visiting for a month after her birth and returned to South Korea on January 9, his 27th birthday. As soon as he left all I could think about was joining him.
We did just that in March, after having our belongings packed in February and returning to MIssouri for 2 weeks to visit family and say our goodbyes. March 13th we flew the long long trip to Korea - the 2 girls and me, that is. The journey was long and hard, but with the help of kind and friendly strangers at several airports along the way and even on the plane, we all made it with all limbs intact. John had prepared a very nice apartment for us in a building with two wonderful families that we got to know fairly well during our time there. For the next month or so we worked on settling in and adjusting to life in South Korea - temperatures, vehicles, culture, food, sleep schedule, going on and off post, etc. I believe it was in April that we started attending a Church group with some friends we'd made at their home nearby. That group became our Sunday church service and those people were our brothers and sisters who challenged us, laughed with us, and watched our children grow.
Korea was a different planet but with a nice little installment of America with most of the resources we could have needed on post at Camp Humphreys. I soon found out about many different opportunities to get the kids out, let them play, and meet other moms. John was hard at work flying constantly and doing many other side jobs. He absolutely loved being a fixed-wing pilot with the relaxed atmosphere, cushy plane, and the ability to climb to higher heights than he'd gotten the opportunity to inside a helicopter. He often described the feeling and beauty of finally reaching the top of the clouds and rising above all the weather to see the sun in all its beauty no matter how it looked to us down below on earth. In fact, he once said to me, "The sunrise is always beautiful at 20,000 feet."
In May we went to visit one of the biggest cities in Korea, Daegu. We loved it and did a lot of walking and site seeing! We decided to go back on our anniversary in June. Both times we took the kids and had a great time! We explored Apsan Mountain and took a tram up through the mountains to the very top! It was a foggy day, but a beautiful view nonetheless. We also walked through the city and took a taxi to eat at 2 different American restaurants - haha! John and I never grew attached to Korean food and ate traditional Korean a handful of times at most. We tend to grow attached to a restaurant and continue to go back there over and over, and in Korea it was no different. We ate on post more often than anything and constantly traveled to Osan Air Force Base which was about 20 minutes away for shopping and leisure.
In June we celebrated our 5th anniversary in Daegu.
I believe it was in July that my softball league finished up their season in second place out of the 4 teams, which was a great ending to my first season playing softball. Mostly I got stuck out in the outfield, but it was good practice for the future and experience to grow on. :)
At some point during the early summer John was finally given a job he had trained to do, Air Life Support Equipment Officer. He had his own office and grew quite cozy in his position which he manned when he wasn't flying. Basically, anything the pilots used or needed on board the planes they flew would be brought to him for repairs or replacement, if I understand correctly. I loved to call him at his office and hear his mandatory greeting, "3rd MI ALSE shop, Buffett speaking."
During the month of August, Camp Humphreys had organized a women's Soccer week that I was very excited to participate in. It was a very fun week and very tiring! The Saturday of my final day in the soccer camp, John and the kids watched Mom play and win the game and get nice and sunburned. Of course, John did not escape without a red glow as well. ;)
That afternoon we all played outside, rollerblading, riding a tricycle, and washing motorcycles. It was a gorgeous day and everyone was in good spirits. Later that evening we attended a pool party for John's battalion.
The next day was a Sunday, August 28th. The girls and I woke up sick with a head cold, so we all decided not to go to church that afternoon so the rest of the families wouldn't catch whatever we had. John felt fine, though, so he decided to call a couple of buddies and make up for a motorcycle ride that he had missed a few days earlier. They decided to meet at 1pm that day to ride to Osan.
John left the house that day planning to return and make biscuits and gravy for dinner, hang out with his family, and enjoy the rest of the weekend. However, while driving his motorcycle, John was hit by a car and killed almost instantly.
The next days and weeks became a blur of paperwork, visits, and memorials. Eventually the girls and I got on a plane and landed in Missouri, where we lived with my parents until we bought a house in late October. During this time, I turned 24 and Airalynn turned 3. Airalynn's birthday was commemmorated by a great big party at the park with a Spongebob pinata included!
The season of fall was one of recovery. Through the help of dozens of friends and family members, I have done my best to give the girls a stable life filled with love and consistency. We found a church home almost immediately, where I now volunteer as the assistant youth leader every Wednesday and where the girls have grown to love their Sunday school classes and Airalynn constantly asks to go to church. We love to spend time with family and make time whenever possible to do just that. Thanksgiving was wonderful and full of love and laughter. The girls have kept growing and changing with incredible speed! Elenie turned 1 on December 1st, and since then has decided she's going to get 4 teeth at once and start "talking" constantly, to the pure delight of her mother. She is also a stinker who likes to get into everything, especially things that are off-limits. Airalynn keeps getting smarter and funnier and loves to read and jump on the bed. :-)
All three girls are doing well, feeling loved, and continuing to learn and change almost daily.I am larning to see each day as a new opportunity to live life to the fullest, and I know my most important role in this life is to be the best mother I can be to my sweet girls and to teach them about God and about love.
2012 will be a good year, and it will be a new year. Change is not always good, and not always bad, it just is. We welcome you, New Year!
Flashback
I had a moment just now where my mind forgot for a moment that I was supposed to be moving on, moving forward, letting go of the pain. I flashed back to what my life used to be. It's not so different now. In fact it's much the same. There's just this one piece that isn't there anymore. And I can't even fathom it. How did I get here?? Where did the last 23 years of my life go? Sometimes it is hard to believe that I actually lived them. Suddenly I'm standing here in my house that I own, surrounded by my stuff, my kids in their rooms, my dog outside, my family all only a few miles away...and I don't know how I got here. And I don't know why John's not here with me. The why of it all is the real kick in the teeth. Yeah, I can live without him, yeah I can take care of my family by myself, yeah I can make due in any circumstance with God as my rock...but WHY?
I want to go back. I desperately want to go back to my wedding day, to do things differently. Set a different plan in motion that doesn't end this way. I think up until this moment I thought I'd used my time wisely. Up until just now, I thought I'd taken advantage of every opportunity I had to be with John. But right now, all i can think of is how many times I could have done something different, been more mature, more encouraging, more open. Because every single opportunity I had to love him is gone. There are no more chances. And though I loved him with every piece of me, never let him doubt how much I cared and respected him, and never left his side, somehow I still have regrets. But I think it all boils down to this: I regret that I can't be with him now. I can convince myself that I wasn't good enough, nice enough, didn't love enough while he was alive. But I know that's not it. The sadness and anger I feel is not for what I didn't do, but for what I don't get to do anymore.
I'm betting there's still a piece of my brain that believes he's just gone for training and will be back eventually. I know that he's not, I'm not in denial. But I don't know that all of me will ever accept his absence as normal. I look at his pictures and this line keeps repeating in my brain, "He's gone. He's not alive anymore. He may look healthy, strong, and beautiful, but he's no longer alive." I think that line keeps replaying in order to convince me that it's true. That trick may never work.
Dear John,
I miss you. Every single day would be better if you were here. Your kids would be happier, my life would be fuller, and many others would be touched by you every day. This really sucks, Babe. And I don't get it.
-Amber
I want to go back. I desperately want to go back to my wedding day, to do things differently. Set a different plan in motion that doesn't end this way. I think up until this moment I thought I'd used my time wisely. Up until just now, I thought I'd taken advantage of every opportunity I had to be with John. But right now, all i can think of is how many times I could have done something different, been more mature, more encouraging, more open. Because every single opportunity I had to love him is gone. There are no more chances. And though I loved him with every piece of me, never let him doubt how much I cared and respected him, and never left his side, somehow I still have regrets. But I think it all boils down to this: I regret that I can't be with him now. I can convince myself that I wasn't good enough, nice enough, didn't love enough while he was alive. But I know that's not it. The sadness and anger I feel is not for what I didn't do, but for what I don't get to do anymore.
I'm betting there's still a piece of my brain that believes he's just gone for training and will be back eventually. I know that he's not, I'm not in denial. But I don't know that all of me will ever accept his absence as normal. I look at his pictures and this line keeps repeating in my brain, "He's gone. He's not alive anymore. He may look healthy, strong, and beautiful, but he's no longer alive." I think that line keeps replaying in order to convince me that it's true. That trick may never work.
Dear John,
I miss you. Every single day would be better if you were here. Your kids would be happier, my life would be fuller, and many others would be touched by you every day. This really sucks, Babe. And I don't get it.
-Amber
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Never
You were my husband. My best friend. You loved my soul, you knew me best. You loved my children, you stole my heart. You put a ring on my hand. You stood tall when circumstances tried to knock you down. You followed your dreams. You obeyed God. You chose the hard path. You made my life better, made me laugh daily. You were loved by so many. You gave to so many. You were so full of life, of laughter, of love, of inspiration. I love you so much. And that will never change. I will never look at your pictures and be able to stop myself from falling in love with you all over again. I will never be glad you are gone. I will never look at you and be able to make sense of the fact that you're gone. No matter what happens, where I go, who I love, what surrounds me, you will always be my first true love. You will always be a part of me, always be my adorable and amazing companion. I will never let you go, because that's not a possibility. You are a piece of my heart. And you belong there.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Time
Today is December 20, 2011. 8 days from now will be exactly 4 months since my husband was killed in a motorcycle accident.
What is 4 months?
4 months is the amount of time it took to go from being aquainted with John to being engaged to him.
In 4 months I went from being a youth pastor's wife in my home town to being a warrant officer's wife who was expecting her first child. 4 months later, I was a mother, my husband was in flight school, and we were settled in Alabama.
4 months was more time than it took to go from being a single child family together in Alabama to a 2-child family separated by thousands of miles. 4 months later we were a whole family again settling into a foreign country, having said goodbye to everything and everyone we knew in the US.
And just a little over 4 months later, our family changed again. We turned into a single-parent home, relocated back to the place I was born and raised.
4 months.
In the time since John died, both our daughters have had birthdays, there've been several marriages, friends have had or are expecting new babies, we've moved into a new house, gotten a new car, made new friends, and spent countless hours with family who we hadn't lived this close to in years.
What's the point of all this? Why am I pointing this out?
Because I feel trapped. I feel like everyone wants the last 5 years of my life to define the rest of it. I'm supposed to sit around thinking about what I had and feeling lonely and hopeless? I know my husband wouldn't want it that way. Define my life by who he was? No way! He hated if I tried to do that! He encouraged, nay forced me to be my own person, to fill my own time, to pursue things that made me happy and gave me fullfillment. He would be so sad and disappointed if he looked down on me here and saw me trying to live like he was still here, trying to do things that would make him happy or give him honor. His focus was on giving GOD honor! Not himself! That's what he would want for me! He wouldn't want my life to be sad and mopey because he isn't around. He would want me to cling to that same joy, contentment, and peace that reined over our lives when we were together! The love that God supplied us did not stop when he was taken to heaven! God is still my center, my reason, my rock. I hate that John is not here anymore, but I'm not going to live like my life ended when his did. My life has continued on. Today, God gave me breath to breathe and a heart that beats. I am not guaranteed tomorrow, but I will celebrate today! I may move on or make choices that aren't what you would do, or what you would expect me to do. But I am not you, and I belong to Jesus so I know He will never stop guiding me and disciplining me when I make the wrong move.
In saying this, I don't want anyone to be misguided into thinking that I don't miss my husband. That I don't still wonder in complete shock why he had to die so early. That seeing his picture doesn't make me fall in love and want to cry every single time. I only have to look at his children to allow a thousand memories of him and his time with them to flood back, or to see his beautiful features on their sweet faces. I hear the things he said to me and to our children every day and remember the lessons he helped me to learn - I cling to those lessons and allow them to make me more confident and assured of the promises of God in my life. In fact, I'm following in his footsteps in several ways including a newfound love and hunger for making music on the guitar and piano, and a desire to reach and disciple youth in the community. I believe he left a legacy worth emulating, worth repeating, that is for sure.
But I understand that life is short, love is rich and rewarding, and there are so many people I have around me to invest in and who will invest in me. I won't live in the past, but I will learn from it. Don't be surprised if I'm not sad and depressed when you see me - I have reasons to LIVE!
Love,
Amber
What is 4 months?
4 months is the amount of time it took to go from being aquainted with John to being engaged to him.
In 4 months I went from being a youth pastor's wife in my home town to being a warrant officer's wife who was expecting her first child. 4 months later, I was a mother, my husband was in flight school, and we were settled in Alabama.
4 months was more time than it took to go from being a single child family together in Alabama to a 2-child family separated by thousands of miles. 4 months later we were a whole family again settling into a foreign country, having said goodbye to everything and everyone we knew in the US.
And just a little over 4 months later, our family changed again. We turned into a single-parent home, relocated back to the place I was born and raised.
4 months.
In the time since John died, both our daughters have had birthdays, there've been several marriages, friends have had or are expecting new babies, we've moved into a new house, gotten a new car, made new friends, and spent countless hours with family who we hadn't lived this close to in years.
What's the point of all this? Why am I pointing this out?
Because I feel trapped. I feel like everyone wants the last 5 years of my life to define the rest of it. I'm supposed to sit around thinking about what I had and feeling lonely and hopeless? I know my husband wouldn't want it that way. Define my life by who he was? No way! He hated if I tried to do that! He encouraged, nay forced me to be my own person, to fill my own time, to pursue things that made me happy and gave me fullfillment. He would be so sad and disappointed if he looked down on me here and saw me trying to live like he was still here, trying to do things that would make him happy or give him honor. His focus was on giving GOD honor! Not himself! That's what he would want for me! He wouldn't want my life to be sad and mopey because he isn't around. He would want me to cling to that same joy, contentment, and peace that reined over our lives when we were together! The love that God supplied us did not stop when he was taken to heaven! God is still my center, my reason, my rock. I hate that John is not here anymore, but I'm not going to live like my life ended when his did. My life has continued on. Today, God gave me breath to breathe and a heart that beats. I am not guaranteed tomorrow, but I will celebrate today! I may move on or make choices that aren't what you would do, or what you would expect me to do. But I am not you, and I belong to Jesus so I know He will never stop guiding me and disciplining me when I make the wrong move.
In saying this, I don't want anyone to be misguided into thinking that I don't miss my husband. That I don't still wonder in complete shock why he had to die so early. That seeing his picture doesn't make me fall in love and want to cry every single time. I only have to look at his children to allow a thousand memories of him and his time with them to flood back, or to see his beautiful features on their sweet faces. I hear the things he said to me and to our children every day and remember the lessons he helped me to learn - I cling to those lessons and allow them to make me more confident and assured of the promises of God in my life. In fact, I'm following in his footsteps in several ways including a newfound love and hunger for making music on the guitar and piano, and a desire to reach and disciple youth in the community. I believe he left a legacy worth emulating, worth repeating, that is for sure.
But I understand that life is short, love is rich and rewarding, and there are so many people I have around me to invest in and who will invest in me. I won't live in the past, but I will learn from it. Don't be surprised if I'm not sad and depressed when you see me - I have reasons to LIVE!
Love,
Amber
Friday, December 9, 2011
Slavery
What would you say if I told you that I believe you choose to be a slave? That people sign their lives away intentionally every day?
I'm not talking about the slavery of times past that included sailing to a foreign country and loading up a boat full of innocent people to make them your slaves. I would never assert that that kind of slavery is chosen in any way.
But ask yourself this question: What am I addicted to? What do I feel like I keep doing even though I don't want to? What in my life has me in a vice grip so tight that I don't see a way out?
And then ask yourself this: How did I get here?
I'd venture to say that the answer every single person would eventually come to for that second question is this: I made a choice. How did I become addicted to drugs? To pornography? To taking risks? To eating crap? To exercise? To sex? To attention? To watching television?
You made a choice. It may have been one particular day that you gave in to a friend's urging and tried marijuana. Or watched a movie you knew you shouldn't have. Or decided that you didn't care that you weren't hungry, you wanted to feel better, and that brownie looks like a good enough way out to you.
Our circumstances may convince us that, hey, we don't have a choice. This is what life handed to me. My family treated me like crap and I didn't know what else to do. No one expected anything better from me, so this is what I thought I was left with.
Or this one: Everyone else seems to be having so much fun, living it up. Why can't I just have a little fun? No strings attached, right?
Chances are, if you are still reading this, you have realized that there were indeed strings attached. You didn't see them coming, you thought you had it all under control, but something's just not feeling right. You're not getting the happiness you thought was coming to you, and you feel like the hole you're in keeps getting deeper and deeper - so much so that you don't see that you could ever climb out. Some of you who are reading this are looking back at the life you used to lead, at chains that used to hold you and nodding your head, saying "Yeah, that definitely used to be me." But something happened. One way or another you turned your life around. I'm here to offer hope to those of you who don't see the light, who can't see a way out. You have options. You can stand up again, feel the weight come off your shoulders, move past the person you used to be and embrace freedom and life!
But if you think it's easy...if you aren't willing to try unless it's easy...you aren't ready to get out of that hole. You still can't see the bigger picture. And I'll be here to talk to you when you do.
Slavery is a choice. Romans 6:16 - 23 (it's long, but seriously, don't give up on it because it is just plain AWESOME) says: Don’t you know that when you offer yourselves to someone as obedient slaves, you are slaves of the one you obey—whether you are slaves to sin, which leads to death, or to obedience, which leads to righteousness? 17 But thanks be to God that, though you used to be slaves to sin, you have come to obey from your heart the pattern of teaching that has now claimed your allegiance. 18 You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness.
19 I am using an example from everyday life because of your human limitations. Just as you used to offer yourselves as slaves to impurity and to ever-increasing wickedness, so now offer yourselves as slaves to righteousness leading to holiness. 20 When you were slaves to sin, you were free from the control of righteousness. 21 What benefit did you reap at that time from the things you are now ashamed of? Those things result in death! 22 But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves of God, the benefit you reap leads to holiness, and the result is eternal life. 23 For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.
You see, if you give your life to Christ, not only can you free yourself from the masters you are under now, the addictions that claim your time, your energy, and your happiness, but you can also receive the joy, abundant life, and eternal life in heaven that come from God and God alone! Struggles, trials, tragedies still strike. But I have the hope and joy of heaven holding me up, giving me freedom from the chains of sin that used to hold me down! My deepest desire is that you would come to know that too! It can be better than what you've been living with! You can find peace that is greater than you ever imagined, contentment, JOY, if you just stop trying to make your own way and choose to follow the One who cleared the way for us. The wages of sin may be death, but the gift of God is eternal life! Please message me if you want to know more or if you have any questions! Jesus loves you and so do I!
I'm not talking about the slavery of times past that included sailing to a foreign country and loading up a boat full of innocent people to make them your slaves. I would never assert that that kind of slavery is chosen in any way.
But ask yourself this question: What am I addicted to? What do I feel like I keep doing even though I don't want to? What in my life has me in a vice grip so tight that I don't see a way out?
And then ask yourself this: How did I get here?
I'd venture to say that the answer every single person would eventually come to for that second question is this: I made a choice. How did I become addicted to drugs? To pornography? To taking risks? To eating crap? To exercise? To sex? To attention? To watching television?
You made a choice. It may have been one particular day that you gave in to a friend's urging and tried marijuana. Or watched a movie you knew you shouldn't have. Or decided that you didn't care that you weren't hungry, you wanted to feel better, and that brownie looks like a good enough way out to you.
Our circumstances may convince us that, hey, we don't have a choice. This is what life handed to me. My family treated me like crap and I didn't know what else to do. No one expected anything better from me, so this is what I thought I was left with.
Or this one: Everyone else seems to be having so much fun, living it up. Why can't I just have a little fun? No strings attached, right?
Chances are, if you are still reading this, you have realized that there were indeed strings attached. You didn't see them coming, you thought you had it all under control, but something's just not feeling right. You're not getting the happiness you thought was coming to you, and you feel like the hole you're in keeps getting deeper and deeper - so much so that you don't see that you could ever climb out. Some of you who are reading this are looking back at the life you used to lead, at chains that used to hold you and nodding your head, saying "Yeah, that definitely used to be me." But something happened. One way or another you turned your life around. I'm here to offer hope to those of you who don't see the light, who can't see a way out. You have options. You can stand up again, feel the weight come off your shoulders, move past the person you used to be and embrace freedom and life!
But if you think it's easy...if you aren't willing to try unless it's easy...you aren't ready to get out of that hole. You still can't see the bigger picture. And I'll be here to talk to you when you do.
Slavery is a choice. Romans 6:16 - 23 (it's long, but seriously, don't give up on it because it is just plain AWESOME) says: Don’t you know that when you offer yourselves to someone as obedient slaves, you are slaves of the one you obey—whether you are slaves to sin, which leads to death, or to obedience, which leads to righteousness? 17 But thanks be to God that, though you used to be slaves to sin, you have come to obey from your heart the pattern of teaching that has now claimed your allegiance. 18 You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness.
19 I am using an example from everyday life because of your human limitations. Just as you used to offer yourselves as slaves to impurity and to ever-increasing wickedness, so now offer yourselves as slaves to righteousness leading to holiness. 20 When you were slaves to sin, you were free from the control of righteousness. 21 What benefit did you reap at that time from the things you are now ashamed of? Those things result in death! 22 But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves of God, the benefit you reap leads to holiness, and the result is eternal life. 23 For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.
You see, if you give your life to Christ, not only can you free yourself from the masters you are under now, the addictions that claim your time, your energy, and your happiness, but you can also receive the joy, abundant life, and eternal life in heaven that come from God and God alone! Struggles, trials, tragedies still strike. But I have the hope and joy of heaven holding me up, giving me freedom from the chains of sin that used to hold me down! My deepest desire is that you would come to know that too! It can be better than what you've been living with! You can find peace that is greater than you ever imagined, contentment, JOY, if you just stop trying to make your own way and choose to follow the One who cleared the way for us. The wages of sin may be death, but the gift of God is eternal life! Please message me if you want to know more or if you have any questions! Jesus loves you and so do I!
Sunday, December 4, 2011
My flesh may fail
I spent the first half of the church service this morning praying and singing with my head and my mouth, but resisting any work in my heart. I said the words, "help me to trust you, mold me and change me to be more like you", but my heart was firmly guarded against anything that God might want to do to me because, frankly, I didn't trust him to do something good. Jeremiah 29:11 came to mind - "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." What kind of plans could you have for me, Oh God, that are for my good if they include taking the life of someone so young, someone with so much left to do here, with a young family who needed him? That doesn't sound good to me at all. In fact, I am beginning to question whether or not you even have a plan. Things just happen and there's no big "plan" in action. That's just what we tell ourselves so we feel better. I do not trust you with my life. You are not worthy of my trust. You did this to me, not for me. You ruined my life. I am done thinking that you are doing something good through this because I don't think that's possible.
And then Jeff went into the sermon. Included in that sermon were 3 of my life verses, verses I have had memorized for quite a while, verses that God has reminded me of numerous times over the past few weeks. In fact, Jeremiah 29:11 was the first one referenced! God said very loudly, "Hi. I'm here. Even if you don't trust me right now. I still deserve your trust. And I still love you." The second verse was Matthew 6:33. "And do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will take care of itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." And, no lie, I actually wrote next to that, "Yeah. Each day sucks." Obviously I was still feeling pretty bitter at this point. For the first time I was allowing myself to openly express my anger and frustration at God, my creator and Lord of my life. This week has truly been depressing, angry, bitter, overwhelming, more than I think I can handle for more than one week. But the last verse in Jeff's notes, plus the personal additions that he makes that really bring the word home to you, made all the difference. Proverbs 3:5-6 - "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." Geeze. Right in the kisser. I wrote that verse on my fridge white board this week. I talked about it with a friend. I worked to try and apply it to myself and hoped that it would bring me some comfort. And there it was again in my sermon notes.
The thing is, life doesn't make sense to us. The obstacles, the tragedies, the what-ifs, they all gang up on us and try to tell us that there is no plan, there is no Savior, there is no point. But we have a personal God who reaches us each on a personal level. He has made it clear to me too many times to count that it is my choice to believe in Him, but that if I deny Him, I'll be lying through my teeth. Because he is there. Whether I like it or not. He is there to remind me of my commitments, to show me where i fail, to hold me up in my weakest moments - of which there have been many lately - and to constantly remind me that His word and Himself are constant, are true, and are never going to change. My life and my circumstances my change, my flesh may fail, but my God, He never will. In the moments when I have no hope, no energy, no joy left in my heart, I still have God's Word to cling to. His promises are many and they are meant for me! I have to use them in my weakest moments, even when I doubt myself and my God! I have to reach for Him even when I don't like him very much, because he is my source, my strength, my everything. John's death can be pointless if I let it. If I refuse to cling to God, if I give up and do whatever I want and totally screw up my life, I can miss those crucial opportunities to make my husband's life and legacy known. To reach the lost, to give someone else the hope and help they need to get through the tragedy they're facing. We're all hurting. And we have a God who loves us. Jesus said, "Whoever wants to follow me must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me." That has never sounded harder to me than it does right now. If this is the cross that I must bear...I mean, wow, that is not what I want to do. But following Jesus, trusting in Jesus is the only path with any meaning in my life, with any hope, joy, salvation, restoration, and righteousness. I could choose not to follow Him. But where would that take me? I've already seen in my life, in my past that I make stupid choices. That I do selfish, dumb things that I think will make me happy, but that really mess everything up. I don't need to be screwed up any more than i already am. I need Jesus. My way = death, sin, destruction, depression. His way = Joy, strength, triumph, wisdom. I know which way I'm going to choose. What about you?
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Call It Wisdom
I've never before been in a place in my life where I sat back and said, "No, I don't need to add that into my life, I just don't have the time to deal with it. I also know that if I was to add it into the mixture, the batter would be very lumpy, the pancakes would burn, and I would be late for that big meeting." I've always grabbed life by the horns and ran. Been involved in plays, team sports, clubs, choirs, church activities, leading Bible studies, volunteering to make food, the list goes on.
And now here I am again. My husband died, leaving me in the worst and most demanding 2 weeks of my life planning and signing a million different things while facing the biggest black hole emotionally that I could have imagined. My children are at the most demanding stages of their lives at 3 and 1 year. I was forced to move across the globe with only the bags I could literally carry on and off of planes and through terminals, had to psychologically hand the reins of my life to someone else and was no longer in charge of my own belongings or household. Waited on the Army to send me all these things, and in the meantime decided it was a good idea to buy a house, make plans, volunteer at my church, and get a freaking dog. When you say it that way, it sounds all at once insane and necessary.
1. Buy a house - well, I needed somewhere to put the stuff when it got here, and the idea of leaving it in storage irked me to no end. I didn't want the headache of moving it twice or living somewhere that I wasn't happy and knew i would be only for a short time, so renting was out of the question. And technically I couldn't have gotten into a house any sooner than what I did and it was advantageous for the belongings that would arrive 2 weeks later.
2. If I didn't make plans, I would feel an even greater sense of loss - loss of control even of the little things that get me through the weeks and months. Planning trips and thinking ahead are what keep me sane.
3. Spiritually and, frankly, mentally, doing something at church keeps me grounded, gives me someone to think about other than myself, and helps me feel like I'm serving a purpose and not just being served all the time, which I do feel like happens a lot lately.
4. Dog. That one...well, that was purely selfish and stupid. I saw a cute dog, I rebelled against the rules I'd been under for 5 years, and I threw a yapping, biting, clawing, peeing, pooping tornado into my life. Stupid. But I suppose she serves a function. She gives me a furry friend to sleep with and maybe, just maybe that staves off the loneliness I might otherwise feel when I go to bed at night, or when I'm sitting around the house when the kids are asleep.
So, looking back at these decisions, there are a few I might do a bit differently. But overall I think I did the best I could to grab onto some normalcy while spinning around on the merry-go-round I've been on for the last few months. And here's where the title of this blog comes into play. I can look back and see the positive and negative decisions, the times when I had so much going on that I could have limited with better decision-making, and I can decide not to add some little things on my plate when the options are in front of me. This weekend I've decided not to bake a cake for my daughter's birthday, but to buy one. I love to cook, I would love to experiment and bake something uber delicious and bad for everyone, but right at this moment, that's not something I should add in. I've been really overwhelmed this week mentally and I'm ready for some peace. Stress is sometimes involuntary, as I've seen recently, but it can sometimes be a consequence of our inability to say "no". I'm ready to lower my voluntary stress level a bit by planning my days better, following through with the hard tasks and not adding in new ones, and putting Bible study first on the list of things to do in my free time so I get more time in the Word and less time to cruise facebook or watch a flick on netflix. God knows what I need more in my life.
And now here I am again. My husband died, leaving me in the worst and most demanding 2 weeks of my life planning and signing a million different things while facing the biggest black hole emotionally that I could have imagined. My children are at the most demanding stages of their lives at 3 and 1 year. I was forced to move across the globe with only the bags I could literally carry on and off of planes and through terminals, had to psychologically hand the reins of my life to someone else and was no longer in charge of my own belongings or household. Waited on the Army to send me all these things, and in the meantime decided it was a good idea to buy a house, make plans, volunteer at my church, and get a freaking dog. When you say it that way, it sounds all at once insane and necessary.
1. Buy a house - well, I needed somewhere to put the stuff when it got here, and the idea of leaving it in storage irked me to no end. I didn't want the headache of moving it twice or living somewhere that I wasn't happy and knew i would be only for a short time, so renting was out of the question. And technically I couldn't have gotten into a house any sooner than what I did and it was advantageous for the belongings that would arrive 2 weeks later.
2. If I didn't make plans, I would feel an even greater sense of loss - loss of control even of the little things that get me through the weeks and months. Planning trips and thinking ahead are what keep me sane.
3. Spiritually and, frankly, mentally, doing something at church keeps me grounded, gives me someone to think about other than myself, and helps me feel like I'm serving a purpose and not just being served all the time, which I do feel like happens a lot lately.
4. Dog. That one...well, that was purely selfish and stupid. I saw a cute dog, I rebelled against the rules I'd been under for 5 years, and I threw a yapping, biting, clawing, peeing, pooping tornado into my life. Stupid. But I suppose she serves a function. She gives me a furry friend to sleep with and maybe, just maybe that staves off the loneliness I might otherwise feel when I go to bed at night, or when I'm sitting around the house when the kids are asleep.
So, looking back at these decisions, there are a few I might do a bit differently. But overall I think I did the best I could to grab onto some normalcy while spinning around on the merry-go-round I've been on for the last few months. And here's where the title of this blog comes into play. I can look back and see the positive and negative decisions, the times when I had so much going on that I could have limited with better decision-making, and I can decide not to add some little things on my plate when the options are in front of me. This weekend I've decided not to bake a cake for my daughter's birthday, but to buy one. I love to cook, I would love to experiment and bake something uber delicious and bad for everyone, but right at this moment, that's not something I should add in. I've been really overwhelmed this week mentally and I'm ready for some peace. Stress is sometimes involuntary, as I've seen recently, but it can sometimes be a consequence of our inability to say "no". I'm ready to lower my voluntary stress level a bit by planning my days better, following through with the hard tasks and not adding in new ones, and putting Bible study first on the list of things to do in my free time so I get more time in the Word and less time to cruise facebook or watch a flick on netflix. God knows what I need more in my life.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Messy
Sounds about right. If I had to choose a word to describe myself today, that would be it. Scratch that, I'm pretty sure I'm a big mess every day.
I keep coming up with a million tasks around my house that need done and making a list, and then proceeding to waste my time on facebook, watching a movie, etc instead of doing the projects that I dread. I know that once I've finished them, I'll feel sorted out, accomplished, and on task. It's just the getting started that screws me up.
And then there's my heart. My stupid, aching heart. There are 2 major struggles I'm dealing with right now regarding that blood-pumping organ. The first is an issue of forgetting or lingering. I don't know what to do with John. His physical body is gone, but his presence in our lives feels like something I have to decide what to do with. Invite it in? Ask it politely to leave so I can move past the pain? Set up a tribute to him on my dining room wall and put his guitars out for display? Or simply accept his presence in our family pictures as a part of our lives in the past? Put all his things down in the basement so that I don't have to look at them, or unpack his clothes and hang them in my cloest so i can feel like something is normal for once?
As with all areas of life, I'm certain this comes down to a balance. I know that it isn't all or nothing, pain or letting go, forgetting or filling my life with pieces of him. I know there's a middle ground, and that time and perspective will help me find it. But patience is a virtue that I haven't mastered in the least. I just want all the answers now! I want to know exactly what to do, and then i want to be given the perseverance to follow through and carry it out!
James 1:2-4- "Therefore, my brothers and sisters, consider it pure joy whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
Have I ever EVER lived this out more exactly? (the trials and need for perseverance, not the being mature and complete part)
The second issue is one that I'm not ready to share, but suffice it to say, I need some prayer, patience, and perseverance desperately here as well.
Well, here comes the part where I live out the ideas that I post - since the reason I post them is so that I might be more inspired to follow through. I guess I'll get up and move to the first project on my list, it being the least detailed or extensive - cleaning my room.
Until next time,
Me.
I keep coming up with a million tasks around my house that need done and making a list, and then proceeding to waste my time on facebook, watching a movie, etc instead of doing the projects that I dread. I know that once I've finished them, I'll feel sorted out, accomplished, and on task. It's just the getting started that screws me up.
And then there's my heart. My stupid, aching heart. There are 2 major struggles I'm dealing with right now regarding that blood-pumping organ. The first is an issue of forgetting or lingering. I don't know what to do with John. His physical body is gone, but his presence in our lives feels like something I have to decide what to do with. Invite it in? Ask it politely to leave so I can move past the pain? Set up a tribute to him on my dining room wall and put his guitars out for display? Or simply accept his presence in our family pictures as a part of our lives in the past? Put all his things down in the basement so that I don't have to look at them, or unpack his clothes and hang them in my cloest so i can feel like something is normal for once?
As with all areas of life, I'm certain this comes down to a balance. I know that it isn't all or nothing, pain or letting go, forgetting or filling my life with pieces of him. I know there's a middle ground, and that time and perspective will help me find it. But patience is a virtue that I haven't mastered in the least. I just want all the answers now! I want to know exactly what to do, and then i want to be given the perseverance to follow through and carry it out!
James 1:2-4- "Therefore, my brothers and sisters, consider it pure joy whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
Have I ever EVER lived this out more exactly? (the trials and need for perseverance, not the being mature and complete part)
The second issue is one that I'm not ready to share, but suffice it to say, I need some prayer, patience, and perseverance desperately here as well.
Well, here comes the part where I live out the ideas that I post - since the reason I post them is so that I might be more inspired to follow through. I guess I'll get up and move to the first project on my list, it being the least detailed or extensive - cleaning my room.
Until next time,
Me.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Sunday
There's too much to say. There's too much not to say. There's too many opposing sides to every view, too many warring factions inside my own head, too many reasons I already know but don't listen to.
I'm just so tired. Usually I'm pretty much sunny-side up, and too often lately I've felt discouraged, sad, impatient, confused, and ready to somehow start over. I just wish I could be done. Geeze, I've never been so sure that this is not my home. Heaven is calling for me and I wish I could just go home where there is no darkness, no weeping, no pain, and no death. There's just so much left here for me to screw up. Friendships, relationships, family, children, health, home, I feel so inadequate, so inept.
What makes that feel so disturbing and sad is that I know what it feels like to feel on top of it all. Okay, not everything, but definitely the majority. I was very happily married, loved my role as Mom and Wife, experienced contentment in almost every area of my life, held no grudges, had no enemies, continued to learn from and draw closer to Christ, and loved the adventure of Army life - traveling, making new friends, being a part of the aviation community.
Where is my identity now? My family has been ripped apart, my home moved, my heart destroyed. I'm picking up the pieces and carrying them all in front of me in my arms but pieces keep falling out of the cracks. I can't do this on my own. More than that, I don't want to.
I'm clinging to the promises of my God and Savior. I'm asking Jesus to be my strength. I'm living in the knowledge that he'll never give me more than I can handle, and that through Him I can do anything. And while that knowledge, that trust doesn't take away the doubts, doesn't make all my choices for me, doesn't immediately make everything sunshine and rainbows, it is the rock I stand on, it is the truth I cling to, it is the hope I have for the future.
Holy Father,
I come to you, crawling on my knees. I am unworthy to stand before you. But you invite me in. You tell me you'll carry me when I can't carry on, and God, I'm holding you to that promise. I can't do this on my own, but I have never been alone. You are always with me. Thank you, God for being my father, for offering me hope and salvation in your Son. Thank you for giving me John for those 6 short years, and thank you for taking him home to you before he saw too much heartache, disappointment, worry, and fear in this world. Thank you for his full life - for his love for me and our girls, for the joy I witnessed in him every day. I am a better person for knowing him, but everything that I am is from you. Please....please help me to make it. Help me to hold up through the storm, to hold my children tightly and to show them You at every possible moment. Help me to place my priorities in the right order and to live out the convictions that I hold in my heart. Be my everything.
I love you,
Amber
I'm just so tired. Usually I'm pretty much sunny-side up, and too often lately I've felt discouraged, sad, impatient, confused, and ready to somehow start over. I just wish I could be done. Geeze, I've never been so sure that this is not my home. Heaven is calling for me and I wish I could just go home where there is no darkness, no weeping, no pain, and no death. There's just so much left here for me to screw up. Friendships, relationships, family, children, health, home, I feel so inadequate, so inept.
What makes that feel so disturbing and sad is that I know what it feels like to feel on top of it all. Okay, not everything, but definitely the majority. I was very happily married, loved my role as Mom and Wife, experienced contentment in almost every area of my life, held no grudges, had no enemies, continued to learn from and draw closer to Christ, and loved the adventure of Army life - traveling, making new friends, being a part of the aviation community.
Where is my identity now? My family has been ripped apart, my home moved, my heart destroyed. I'm picking up the pieces and carrying them all in front of me in my arms but pieces keep falling out of the cracks. I can't do this on my own. More than that, I don't want to.
I'm clinging to the promises of my God and Savior. I'm asking Jesus to be my strength. I'm living in the knowledge that he'll never give me more than I can handle, and that through Him I can do anything. And while that knowledge, that trust doesn't take away the doubts, doesn't make all my choices for me, doesn't immediately make everything sunshine and rainbows, it is the rock I stand on, it is the truth I cling to, it is the hope I have for the future.
Holy Father,
I come to you, crawling on my knees. I am unworthy to stand before you. But you invite me in. You tell me you'll carry me when I can't carry on, and God, I'm holding you to that promise. I can't do this on my own, but I have never been alone. You are always with me. Thank you, God for being my father, for offering me hope and salvation in your Son. Thank you for giving me John for those 6 short years, and thank you for taking him home to you before he saw too much heartache, disappointment, worry, and fear in this world. Thank you for his full life - for his love for me and our girls, for the joy I witnessed in him every day. I am a better person for knowing him, but everything that I am is from you. Please....please help me to make it. Help me to hold up through the storm, to hold my children tightly and to show them You at every possible moment. Help me to place my priorities in the right order and to live out the convictions that I hold in my heart. Be my everything.
I love you,
Amber
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