My flesh may fail

 

I spent the first half of the church service this morning praying and singing with my head and my mouth, but resisting any work in my heart. I said the words, "help me to trust you, mold me and change me to be more like you", but my heart was firmly guarded against anything that God might want to do to me because, frankly, I didn't trust him to do something good. Jeremiah 29:11 came to mind - "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." What kind of plans could you have for me, Oh God, that are for my good if they include taking the life of someone so young, someone with so much left to do here, with a young family who needed him? That doesn't sound good to me at all. In fact, I am beginning to question whether or not you even have a plan. Things just happen and there's no big "plan" in action. That's just what we tell ourselves so we feel better. I do not trust you with my life. You are not worthy of my trust. You did this to me, not for me. You ruined my life. I am done thinking that you are doing something good through this because I don't think that's possible. 
And then Jeff went into the sermon. Included in that sermon were 3 of my life verses, verses I have had memorized for quite a while, verses that God has reminded me of numerous times over the past few weeks. In fact, Jeremiah 29:11 was the first one referenced! God said very loudly, "Hi. I'm here. Even if you don't trust me right now. I still deserve your trust. And I still love you." The second verse was Matthew 6:33. "And do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will take care of itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." And, no lie, I actually wrote next to that, "Yeah. Each day sucks." Obviously I was still feeling pretty bitter at this point. For the first time I was allowing myself to openly express my anger and frustration at God, my creator and Lord of my life. This week has truly been depressing, angry, bitter, overwhelming, more than I think I can handle for more than one week. But the last verse in Jeff's notes, plus the personal additions that he makes that really bring the word home to you, made all the difference. Proverbs 3:5-6 - "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." Geeze. Right in the kisser. I wrote that verse on my fridge white board this week. I talked about it with a friend. I worked to try and apply it to myself and hoped that it would bring me some comfort. And there it was again in my sermon notes. 
The thing is, life doesn't make sense to us. The obstacles, the tragedies, the what-ifs, they all gang up on us and try to tell us that there is no plan, there is no Savior, there is no point. But we have a personal God who reaches us each on a personal level. He has made it clear to me too many times to count that it is my choice to believe in Him, but that if I deny Him, I'll be lying through my teeth. Because he is there. Whether I like it or not. He is there to remind me of my commitments, to show me where i fail, to hold me up in my weakest moments - of which there have been many lately - and to constantly remind me that His word and Himself are constant, are true, and are never going to change. My life and my circumstances my change, my flesh may fail, but my God, He never will. In the moments when I have no hope, no energy, no joy left in my heart, I still have God's Word to cling to. His promises are many and they are meant for me! I have to use them in my weakest moments, even when I doubt myself and my God! I have to reach for Him even when I don't like him very much, because he is my source, my strength, my everything. John's death can be pointless if I let it. If I refuse to cling to God, if I give up and do whatever I want and totally screw up my life, I can miss those crucial opportunities to make my husband's life and legacy known. To reach the lost, to give someone else the hope and help they need to get through the tragedy they're facing. We're all hurting. And we have a God who loves us. Jesus said, "Whoever wants to follow me must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me." That has never sounded harder to me than it does right now. If this is the cross that I must bear...I mean, wow, that is not what I want to do. But following Jesus, trusting in Jesus is the only path with any meaning in my life, with any hope, joy, salvation, restoration, and righteousness. I could choose not to follow Him. But where would that take me? I've already seen in my life, in my past that I make stupid choices. That I do selfish, dumb things that I think will make me happy, but that really mess everything up. I don't need to be screwed up any more than i already am. I need Jesus. My way = death, sin, destruction, depression. His way = Joy, strength, triumph, wisdom. I know which way I'm going to choose. What about you?