Time

Today is December 20, 2011. 8 days from now will be exactly 4 months since my husband was killed in a motorcycle accident.
What is 4 months?
4 months is the amount of time it took to go from being aquainted with John to being engaged to him.
In 4 months I went from being a youth pastor's wife in my home town to being a warrant officer's wife who was expecting her first child. 4 months later, I was a mother, my husband was in flight school, and we were settled in Alabama.
4 months was more time than it took to go from being a single child family together in Alabama to a 2-child family separated by thousands of miles. 4 months later we were a whole family again settling into a foreign country, having said goodbye to everything and everyone we knew in the US.
And just a little over 4 months later, our family changed again. We turned into a single-parent home, relocated back to the place I was born and raised.

4 months.
In the time since John died, both our daughters have had birthdays, there've been several marriages, friends have had or are expecting new babies, we've moved into a new house, gotten a new car, made new friends, and spent countless hours with family who we hadn't lived this close to in years.

What's the point of all this? Why am I pointing this out?
Because I feel trapped. I feel like everyone wants the last 5 years of my life to define the rest of it. I'm supposed to sit around thinking about what I had and feeling lonely and hopeless? I know my husband wouldn't want it that way. Define my life by who he was? No way! He hated if I tried to do that! He encouraged, nay forced me to be my own person, to fill my own time, to pursue things that made me happy and gave me fullfillment. He would be so sad and disappointed if he looked down on me here and saw me trying to live like he was still here, trying to do things that would make him happy or give him honor. His focus was on giving GOD honor! Not himself! That's what he would want for me! He wouldn't want my life to be sad and mopey because he isn't around. He would want me to cling to that same joy, contentment, and peace that reined over our lives when we were together! The love that God supplied us did not stop when he was taken to heaven! God is still my center, my reason, my rock. I hate that John is not here anymore, but I'm not going to live like my life ended when his did. My life has continued on. Today, God gave me breath to breathe and a heart that beats. I am not guaranteed tomorrow, but I will celebrate today! I may move on or make choices that aren't what you would do, or what you would expect me to do. But I am not you, and I belong to Jesus so I know He will never stop guiding me and disciplining me when I make the wrong move.

In saying this, I don't want anyone to be misguided into thinking that I don't miss my husband. That I don't still wonder in complete shock why he had to die so early. That seeing his picture doesn't make me fall in love and want to cry every single time. I only have to look at his children to allow a thousand memories of him and his time with them to flood back, or to see his beautiful features on their sweet faces. I hear the things he said to me and to our children every day and remember the lessons he helped me to learn - I cling to those lessons and allow them to make me more confident and assured of the promises of God in my life. In fact, I'm following in his footsteps in several ways including a newfound love and hunger for making music on the guitar and piano, and a desire to reach and disciple youth in the community. I believe he left a legacy worth emulating, worth repeating, that is for sure.
But I understand that life is short, love is rich and rewarding, and there are so many people I have around me to invest in and who will invest in me. I won't live in the past, but I will learn from it. Don't be surprised if I'm not sad and depressed when you see me - I have reasons to LIVE!
Love,

Amber