I can't.

Do you ever hear a song that transports you to another time, place, or emotion? And as much as you would like to keep from going back, to feeling the sadness or regret or deep emotion that it brings to the surface, the rhythm and tones play your heart into a different beat and drag your mind to remembering.

How He Loves by David Crowder is that song for me.

He used to play it at church, with his friends, from his heart, with his hands.

It was played at his funeral along with a slideshow of his life.

It is a reminder of the grace and mercy of God.

It is a reminder of the pain and loss.

It is a reminder that I did endure that pain, and that I am different because of it.

It is a reminder of the father that my kids will never remember clearly.

It hurts like the ache of a broken heart.

It reminds me that I need to remember.

It reminds me that I need to thank God for his love.

I never want to hear it again; I want to hear it every day, all day.

I desperately want to forget; I need to remember.

 

He was an ornery and energetic child. He was the mastermind behind all the really dangerous ideas. He drove his sister crazy, and did crazy things with his brother. He was a military brat and he was extremely proud of his heritage, and his father. I met him in college. He took my breath away. I never looked back. He took me places, he changed my life. He accepted me. He constantly challenged me and he never questioned instruction and direction from God. He loved ministry. He loved me.

He provided for me and came home and was my best friend. We had our first child. I decorated her room, painted the letters of her name in secret. She was born and he was in love. Again. Another blue-eyed girl had stolen his heart. Now he was not just husband, he was Daddy. When another blue-eyed girl was born, he didn’t know he could love another one so much. Now he loved three. He loved me.

5 years.

5 years he loved me.

And one day he didn’t come home. Not home to me.

Gone.

Today is 14 months.

And I can’t forget. Won’t forget.

I won’t forget you.