Names

Wow. I'm dumbfounded. I just had one of those moments where you realize something about yourself that you never knew even though it was right in front of you. 
Let me just start off by saying that Beth Moore is awesome. God uses her in so many awesome ways and I'm so grateful that she accepted the calling on her heart to write and to minister to women. She has changed my life through half a dozen studies that I've done or seen of hers. I'm floored by her practicality, her openness, her sincerity, her humor, and her hunger for knowledge and ministry. 
Now that that's out of the way, let's get straight to it. Here's the mind-blowing moment I came to:
I have let other people define me. 
All of the names I have been called, every insult I've heard or felt was insinuated about me has stuck in my mind and convinced me that I have the potential to be all of those things and that it is my job to constantly work on not being any of them. Now, keep in mind that I am a fairly confident woman, independent, casual, secure in my faith and happy with the kind of person I have turned out to be in many respects. But how did I get here? 
I worried. Am I annoying? Am I a know-it-all? Am I self-righteous? These are a few that have stuck with me over the years. Every day with just about every sentence I utter, every person I interact with, the way that I walk, talk, dress, and laugh, I wonder if people see me and think any of those words. I wonder if people actually enjoy being around me or if they pretend to because it's the nice thing to do. Am I sharing too much? Maybe so. But if you've read even one of my blogs, you've probably figured out that I'm really honest. Probably to a fault. See? There I go again! Pointing out and worrying about my faults. 
So, here's the part where I'm supposed to say "But now I have figured out how to put all that behind me! Here's the uplifting and encouraging turnaround to share with all of you!" Only, I don't have one of those for this. I don't know what I'm supposed to do about this. I don't know if I'll ever put those things behind me and be able to go a day without thinking about all the things I don't want to be. And furthermore, I'm not sure I'm supposed to. I wonder if there's a balance, a line I'm supposed to live on between insecurity and being aware of my actions. In all honesty I think I've probably been living on that line for a while so I'm not extremely worried about changing my thought patterns. It's just a pretty mind bending revelation I had just now. 
And you know what else? For the first time in my life I have people who aren't related who constantly tell me that they think I'm great. A part of me thinks it's sympathy, but in some contexts I can say for certain that it's not. They think I'm amazing, strong, beautiful, and that my personality is attractive. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THIS?? THIS CANNOT BE! I had a husband who loved every part of me and made me feel attractive and confident constantly. But he certainly never verbalized it this much. He was not the kind to wax poetic about his feelings, he mostly acted on them. That's why finding his diary a while back was such a huge discovery for me. 
So now I'm surrounded by positive feedback, but I still have those nagging doubts in my head about how much anyone could really like being around me. I can convince myself that they don't really know me, that they know what I want them to know and eventually they'll figure out that I'm nothing to be jazzed about, but so far I've been wrong. What is wrong with these guys? lol
Okay, so let me explain, no, there is too much, let me sum up..
I have the potential to be every bad name I've ever been called or ever thought about myself in the dark recesses of my mind. And so do you. But who are you going to choose to be? Who am I going to choose to be? We all have one place where we can invest our time that will not only remind us of how we don't want to be, but give us something to aspire to. That place is in God's Word. Reading Scripture is THE BEST way to look beyond what people think of you and focus on the expectations that matter, the ONLY expectations that matter. God's expectations. That's where I'm going to attempt to put my focus through reading the Word daily or as close to daily as I can do. Only through pushing the lens of of me and looking more at God can I let go of my narcism and reach for the goals God has in store for me! 
Well! I wrapped it up with encouragement anyway! Whod'a thunk??

Amber Lynn
1 John 2:6 - Anyone who claims to live in Him must walk as Jesus did.