One moment really can change your life.
I was given a beautiful and priceless gift this evening. As I opened the door to Elenie's side of the van (the van I'm borrowing from my parents), I was suddenly seeing her tucked in her seat as if she was a newborn on her first trip home. Maybe it's because she still seems so small and cuddly, but that girl breaks my heart in two every time I see her. Each of my girls is so dear to me, so much a blessing to me that I sometimes think I'll burst from all the love radiating in my heart. Tonight was one of those nights - a night where tucking them into bed is the most treasured thing in the world and I have to work not to cry at just being able to hold them and put them somewhere warm and safe to sleep.
Does anybody else do this sometimes? Love makes you cry?
Who decided I was competent enough to be given these two precious angels to care for? To clothe, to feed, to protect? I'm fairly certain the car accident on Saturday has deepened my appreciation tenfold for every sweet moment I get to be with my girls. Ever since John died, I've seen life from a very different perspective. Instead of wondering what I'll be doing this time next year or planning for the future, I care so much more about what I'm doing today. I am NOT guaranteed tomorrow! That car accident could have gone much differently - I know this from experience since a motorcycle accident took John's life! That could have gone very differently as well! We can't control all the circumstances in our lives; we can't stop some things from happening to us. But we do have the opportunity to live right now, right here! I may not have tomorrow with my children, but I have right now, today. I have this moment to do my absolute best to show them love, joy, affection, teach them right from wrong, allow them to bless my heart, and experience new things with them.
I never expected to be a stay-at-home Mom. I always thought I'd be a teacher just like my mom. And maybe I still will be in one form or another, I'm only 24. But do you know what? I don't care if I never finish my degree, if I never have a "career" or feel like I've "made something of myself". These girls deserve my devotion, my care, my attention. They are my life's work!
I have to end this with a prayer, it's what I'm doing here in my bedroom as I type, so I'll share it with you.
Dear Jesus,
Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. They are so beautiful. They make me feel so loved and so inadequate all at the same time. Thank you for teaching me so many lessons through them just in the short time I've had them. Thank you for trusting me with their delicate lives. Please help me to always put them before myself and to love them like you love me - to sacrifice myself for them and to never let them believe they have to earn my love. Please forgive me in the million ways I fail every day as their mommy. And help me to get back up in the morning ready to take on the task you have appointed me with joy and eagerness. I love you and I pray all these things in your name, Amen.
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