I don't want distractions. I want direction.
I need people to pour into, people to bond with who expect nothing from me. I cannot pretend I have something to give. I don't. My whole heart, my while life was wrapped up in John. When he died I thought I could cut those strings and move on. But they weren't up to me to cut. My God owns those strings and he was the one who tied them in the first place. Only he can undo them, and I'm in no hurry. His plans are best. He holds my future and my purpose in His capable hands. I give it up. I'm done trying.
Oh, How He loves me
How He loves me so
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Names
Wow. I'm dumbfounded. I just had one of those moments where you realize something about yourself that you never knew even though it was right in front of you.
Let me just start off by saying that Beth Moore is awesome. God uses her in so many awesome ways and I'm so grateful that she accepted the calling on her heart to write and to minister to women. She has changed my life through half a dozen studies that I've done or seen of hers. I'm floored by her practicality, her openness, her sincerity, her humor, and her hunger for knowledge and ministry.
Now that that's out of the way, let's get straight to it. Here's the mind-blowing moment I came to:
I have let other people define me.
All of the names I have been called, every insult I've heard or felt was insinuated about me has stuck in my mind and convinced me that I have the potential to be all of those things and that it is my job to constantly work on not being any of them. Now, keep in mind that I am a fairly confident woman, independent, casual, secure in my faith and happy with the kind of person I have turned out to be in many respects. But how did I get here?
I worried. Am I annoying? Am I a know-it-all? Am I self-righteous? These are a few that have stuck with me over the years. Every day with just about every sentence I utter, every person I interact with, the way that I walk, talk, dress, and laugh, I wonder if people see me and think any of those words. I wonder if people actually enjoy being around me or if they pretend to because it's the nice thing to do. Am I sharing too much? Maybe so. But if you've read even one of my blogs, you've probably figured out that I'm really honest. Probably to a fault. See? There I go again! Pointing out and worrying about my faults.
So, here's the part where I'm supposed to say "But now I have figured out how to put all that behind me! Here's the uplifting and encouraging turnaround to share with all of you!" Only, I don't have one of those for this. I don't know what I'm supposed to do about this. I don't know if I'll ever put those things behind me and be able to go a day without thinking about all the things I don't want to be. And furthermore, I'm not sure I'm supposed to. I wonder if there's a balance, a line I'm supposed to live on between insecurity and being aware of my actions. In all honesty I think I've probably been living on that line for a while so I'm not extremely worried about changing my thought patterns. It's just a pretty mind bending revelation I had just now.
And you know what else? For the first time in my life I have people who aren't related who constantly tell me that they think I'm great. A part of me thinks it's sympathy, but in some contexts I can say for certain that it's not. They think I'm amazing, strong, beautiful, and that my personality is attractive. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THIS?? THIS CANNOT BE! I had a husband who loved every part of me and made me feel attractive and confident constantly. But he certainly never verbalized it this much. He was not the kind to wax poetic about his feelings, he mostly acted on them. That's why finding his diary a while back was such a huge discovery for me.
So now I'm surrounded by positive feedback, but I still have those nagging doubts in my head about how much anyone could really like being around me. I can convince myself that they don't really know me, that they know what I want them to know and eventually they'll figure out that I'm nothing to be jazzed about, but so far I've been wrong. What is wrong with these guys? lol
Okay, so let me explain, no, there is too much, let me sum up..
I have the potential to be every bad name I've ever been called or ever thought about myself in the dark recesses of my mind. And so do you. But who are you going to choose to be? Who am I going to choose to be? We all have one place where we can invest our time that will not only remind us of how we don't want to be, but give us something to aspire to. That place is in God's Word. Reading Scripture is THE BEST way to look beyond what people think of you and focus on the expectations that matter, the ONLY expectations that matter. God's expectations. That's where I'm going to attempt to put my focus through reading the Word daily or as close to daily as I can do. Only through pushing the lens of of me and looking more at God can I let go of my narcism and reach for the goals God has in store for me!
Well! I wrapped it up with encouragement anyway! Whod'a thunk??
Amber Lynn
1 John 2:6 - Anyone who claims to live in Him must walk as Jesus did.
Let me just start off by saying that Beth Moore is awesome. God uses her in so many awesome ways and I'm so grateful that she accepted the calling on her heart to write and to minister to women. She has changed my life through half a dozen studies that I've done or seen of hers. I'm floored by her practicality, her openness, her sincerity, her humor, and her hunger for knowledge and ministry.
Now that that's out of the way, let's get straight to it. Here's the mind-blowing moment I came to:
I have let other people define me.
All of the names I have been called, every insult I've heard or felt was insinuated about me has stuck in my mind and convinced me that I have the potential to be all of those things and that it is my job to constantly work on not being any of them. Now, keep in mind that I am a fairly confident woman, independent, casual, secure in my faith and happy with the kind of person I have turned out to be in many respects. But how did I get here?
I worried. Am I annoying? Am I a know-it-all? Am I self-righteous? These are a few that have stuck with me over the years. Every day with just about every sentence I utter, every person I interact with, the way that I walk, talk, dress, and laugh, I wonder if people see me and think any of those words. I wonder if people actually enjoy being around me or if they pretend to because it's the nice thing to do. Am I sharing too much? Maybe so. But if you've read even one of my blogs, you've probably figured out that I'm really honest. Probably to a fault. See? There I go again! Pointing out and worrying about my faults.
So, here's the part where I'm supposed to say "But now I have figured out how to put all that behind me! Here's the uplifting and encouraging turnaround to share with all of you!" Only, I don't have one of those for this. I don't know what I'm supposed to do about this. I don't know if I'll ever put those things behind me and be able to go a day without thinking about all the things I don't want to be. And furthermore, I'm not sure I'm supposed to. I wonder if there's a balance, a line I'm supposed to live on between insecurity and being aware of my actions. In all honesty I think I've probably been living on that line for a while so I'm not extremely worried about changing my thought patterns. It's just a pretty mind bending revelation I had just now.
And you know what else? For the first time in my life I have people who aren't related who constantly tell me that they think I'm great. A part of me thinks it's sympathy, but in some contexts I can say for certain that it's not. They think I'm amazing, strong, beautiful, and that my personality is attractive. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THIS?? THIS CANNOT BE! I had a husband who loved every part of me and made me feel attractive and confident constantly. But he certainly never verbalized it this much. He was not the kind to wax poetic about his feelings, he mostly acted on them. That's why finding his diary a while back was such a huge discovery for me.
So now I'm surrounded by positive feedback, but I still have those nagging doubts in my head about how much anyone could really like being around me. I can convince myself that they don't really know me, that they know what I want them to know and eventually they'll figure out that I'm nothing to be jazzed about, but so far I've been wrong. What is wrong with these guys? lol
Okay, so let me explain, no, there is too much, let me sum up..
I have the potential to be every bad name I've ever been called or ever thought about myself in the dark recesses of my mind. And so do you. But who are you going to choose to be? Who am I going to choose to be? We all have one place where we can invest our time that will not only remind us of how we don't want to be, but give us something to aspire to. That place is in God's Word. Reading Scripture is THE BEST way to look beyond what people think of you and focus on the expectations that matter, the ONLY expectations that matter. God's expectations. That's where I'm going to attempt to put my focus through reading the Word daily or as close to daily as I can do. Only through pushing the lens of of me and looking more at God can I let go of my narcism and reach for the goals God has in store for me!
Well! I wrapped it up with encouragement anyway! Whod'a thunk??
Amber Lynn
1 John 2:6 - Anyone who claims to live in Him must walk as Jesus did.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Princess Lessons
Lessons from Disney
For years, Christians and others have pointed out the faults of the Disney series of Princess movies. They give girls false ideas about "Prince Charming", they place a high value on physical appearance and the princesses are always proportionally perfect, etc etc. But after watching Beauty and the Beast this week, I can't help but notice some amazing things about these girls that I never noticed before.
1. Incredible kindness. Think back on every movie you've watched with a female heroine or princess involved. Was she ever cruel to someone? Did she ever say mean things or mock the people around her? No, in fact, these ladies tend to be almost sickeningly sweet to everyone around them. They stand up for the downtrodden, make friends with rejects and woodland creatures, and fall in love with ugly beasts.
2. incredible Bravery. It seems each princess faces some sort of obstacle which would seem to each of us in the same situation, devastating or insurmountable. But they never back down, they never lay down and die, and they almost always make the best of their circumstances.
3. Incredibly Crafty. Think about this: when was the last time a princess story didn't involve that princess being able to do something with skill: sew, sing, cook, explore, treat wounds, read super fast, etc?
4. Incredible Faith. None of these ladies lose hope. Belle makes the best of her situation even in captivity and begins to trust in a beast who at one point took her father and then herself as prisoner. Snow White trusts everyone she encounters, to a fault. She also never loses hope that her prince charming will come and rescue her. Cinderella runs off to a ball in a magical gown that a fairy from nowhere dresses her in and trusts that at midnight and no earlier will it fall to pieces. She steps into a carriage made from a pumpkin and trusts it to get her across town.
I give these examples tongue-in-cheek because I am very aware of how silly they are and how these situations do not translate to human life...and of course that these are all stories written by people and not actual events that took place. However, I feel we ought to give credit where credit is due! The movie industry actually glamorized some of the traits that we ought to hold within ourselves as women! Trust, bravery, honing our skills, and my favorite, kindness, all run through the plots of each movie and leave us wishing we could be as gracious, humble, sweet, and capable as these women. Of course, we also wish we could find that prince charming, but that's neither here nor there...
So, are you a Disney princess? Do people see those characteristics when they look at you? Come on, ladies! Let's work to look a lot more like royalty, and a lot less like a hot mess!
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised! Proverbs 31:31
For years, Christians and others have pointed out the faults of the Disney series of Princess movies. They give girls false ideas about "Prince Charming", they place a high value on physical appearance and the princesses are always proportionally perfect, etc etc. But after watching Beauty and the Beast this week, I can't help but notice some amazing things about these girls that I never noticed before.
1. Incredible kindness. Think back on every movie you've watched with a female heroine or princess involved. Was she ever cruel to someone? Did she ever say mean things or mock the people around her? No, in fact, these ladies tend to be almost sickeningly sweet to everyone around them. They stand up for the downtrodden, make friends with rejects and woodland creatures, and fall in love with ugly beasts.
2. incredible Bravery. It seems each princess faces some sort of obstacle which would seem to each of us in the same situation, devastating or insurmountable. But they never back down, they never lay down and die, and they almost always make the best of their circumstances.
3. Incredibly Crafty. Think about this: when was the last time a princess story didn't involve that princess being able to do something with skill: sew, sing, cook, explore, treat wounds, read super fast, etc?
4. Incredible Faith. None of these ladies lose hope. Belle makes the best of her situation even in captivity and begins to trust in a beast who at one point took her father and then herself as prisoner. Snow White trusts everyone she encounters, to a fault. She also never loses hope that her prince charming will come and rescue her. Cinderella runs off to a ball in a magical gown that a fairy from nowhere dresses her in and trusts that at midnight and no earlier will it fall to pieces. She steps into a carriage made from a pumpkin and trusts it to get her across town.
I give these examples tongue-in-cheek because I am very aware of how silly they are and how these situations do not translate to human life...and of course that these are all stories written by people and not actual events that took place. However, I feel we ought to give credit where credit is due! The movie industry actually glamorized some of the traits that we ought to hold within ourselves as women! Trust, bravery, honing our skills, and my favorite, kindness, all run through the plots of each movie and leave us wishing we could be as gracious, humble, sweet, and capable as these women. Of course, we also wish we could find that prince charming, but that's neither here nor there...
So, are you a Disney princess? Do people see those characteristics when they look at you? Come on, ladies! Let's work to look a lot more like royalty, and a lot less like a hot mess!
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised! Proverbs 31:31
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Parents, this one's for you.
One moment really can change your life.
I was given a beautiful and priceless gift this evening. As I opened the door to Elenie's side of the van (the van I'm borrowing from my parents), I was suddenly seeing her tucked in her seat as if she was a newborn on her first trip home. Maybe it's because she still seems so small and cuddly, but that girl breaks my heart in two every time I see her. Each of my girls is so dear to me, so much a blessing to me that I sometimes think I'll burst from all the love radiating in my heart. Tonight was one of those nights - a night where tucking them into bed is the most treasured thing in the world and I have to work not to cry at just being able to hold them and put them somewhere warm and safe to sleep.
Does anybody else do this sometimes? Love makes you cry?
Who decided I was competent enough to be given these two precious angels to care for? To clothe, to feed, to protect? I'm fairly certain the car accident on Saturday has deepened my appreciation tenfold for every sweet moment I get to be with my girls. Ever since John died, I've seen life from a very different perspective. Instead of wondering what I'll be doing this time next year or planning for the future, I care so much more about what I'm doing today. I am NOT guaranteed tomorrow! That car accident could have gone much differently - I know this from experience since a motorcycle accident took John's life! That could have gone very differently as well! We can't control all the circumstances in our lives; we can't stop some things from happening to us. But we do have the opportunity to live right now, right here! I may not have tomorrow with my children, but I have right now, today. I have this moment to do my absolute best to show them love, joy, affection, teach them right from wrong, allow them to bless my heart, and experience new things with them.
I never expected to be a stay-at-home Mom. I always thought I'd be a teacher just like my mom. And maybe I still will be in one form or another, I'm only 24. But do you know what? I don't care if I never finish my degree, if I never have a "career" or feel like I've "made something of myself". These girls deserve my devotion, my care, my attention. They are my life's work!
I have to end this with a prayer, it's what I'm doing here in my bedroom as I type, so I'll share it with you.
Dear Jesus,
Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. They are so beautiful. They make me feel so loved and so inadequate all at the same time. Thank you for teaching me so many lessons through them just in the short time I've had them. Thank you for trusting me with their delicate lives. Please help me to always put them before myself and to love them like you love me - to sacrifice myself for them and to never let them believe they have to earn my love. Please forgive me in the million ways I fail every day as their mommy. And help me to get back up in the morning ready to take on the task you have appointed me with joy and eagerness. I love you and I pray all these things in your name, Amen.
I was given a beautiful and priceless gift this evening. As I opened the door to Elenie's side of the van (the van I'm borrowing from my parents), I was suddenly seeing her tucked in her seat as if she was a newborn on her first trip home. Maybe it's because she still seems so small and cuddly, but that girl breaks my heart in two every time I see her. Each of my girls is so dear to me, so much a blessing to me that I sometimes think I'll burst from all the love radiating in my heart. Tonight was one of those nights - a night where tucking them into bed is the most treasured thing in the world and I have to work not to cry at just being able to hold them and put them somewhere warm and safe to sleep.
Does anybody else do this sometimes? Love makes you cry?
Who decided I was competent enough to be given these two precious angels to care for? To clothe, to feed, to protect? I'm fairly certain the car accident on Saturday has deepened my appreciation tenfold for every sweet moment I get to be with my girls. Ever since John died, I've seen life from a very different perspective. Instead of wondering what I'll be doing this time next year or planning for the future, I care so much more about what I'm doing today. I am NOT guaranteed tomorrow! That car accident could have gone much differently - I know this from experience since a motorcycle accident took John's life! That could have gone very differently as well! We can't control all the circumstances in our lives; we can't stop some things from happening to us. But we do have the opportunity to live right now, right here! I may not have tomorrow with my children, but I have right now, today. I have this moment to do my absolute best to show them love, joy, affection, teach them right from wrong, allow them to bless my heart, and experience new things with them.
I never expected to be a stay-at-home Mom. I always thought I'd be a teacher just like my mom. And maybe I still will be in one form or another, I'm only 24. But do you know what? I don't care if I never finish my degree, if I never have a "career" or feel like I've "made something of myself". These girls deserve my devotion, my care, my attention. They are my life's work!
I have to end this with a prayer, it's what I'm doing here in my bedroom as I type, so I'll share it with you.
Dear Jesus,
Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. They are so beautiful. They make me feel so loved and so inadequate all at the same time. Thank you for teaching me so many lessons through them just in the short time I've had them. Thank you for trusting me with their delicate lives. Please help me to always put them before myself and to love them like you love me - to sacrifice myself for them and to never let them believe they have to earn my love. Please forgive me in the million ways I fail every day as their mommy. And help me to get back up in the morning ready to take on the task you have appointed me with joy and eagerness. I love you and I pray all these things in your name, Amen.
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