My husband was a flawed man. There
were many things that he did that I didn’t want to do that same way. There were
a few relationships in his life that could have been better mended, kept in
closer contact. There were even moments when I wished he would spend more time
with his daughters instead of being out and about. But, for the most part, he
was an incredible man. I feel like I need to put this first part in because if
I don’t, some of you may think I idolize him, I think of him as a super hero,
or I have looked past all his issues and promoted him to sainthood after his
death. I assure you that is not the case.
I met
John when he was 21 and in college, so naturally he was a reckless kid. He
seemed to have no fear, and his plan for the future was a little unclear. But
the very first thing that anyone who met him had to notice was his passion for
God. He was always playing guitar, hanging out and having theological
discussions with his Christian (and atheist) friends, or going somewhere that
other people would be. And for so long, I have misunderstood him.
I had
no idea you could learn more about who a person was after they died. But here I
am, reeling from a discovery that I should have understood so long ago. You
see, John understood Luke 5:31 more clearly than I. It says, “Jesus answered
them, ‘It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick.’” Another verse
John absolutely loved was 1 John 2:6, “Anyone who claims to live in him must
walk as Jesus did.” The words in Luke come from Jesus, and are a testament to
how he lived his life. Jesus walked from city to city speaking to groups of
people, eating with the hated members of society, and letting the sick touch
him. He didn’t go to church every Sunday, or at least that’s not recorded, and
he didn’t hang out with only the people who were “good enough”. In fact, he
corrected so many of the religious elite and told them that their religion was worthless
because their hearts weren’t focused on God, but on their own glory. He let
them know in no uncertain terms that their attendance record at the local
synagogue meant diddly squat when it came to knowing God’s heart and doing his
will.
How
will we meet the needs of the poor and the orphans if we spend no time where
they are? How will we show light and life to the lost and broken if we avoid
them? How will the man who offends us with his speech ever be inspired to hold
his tongue if we simply stay away and never speak to him? Change doesn’t happen
without inspiration. Inspiration comes from a life well-lived and a witness
spoken with fewer words. Hanging out with your unbelieving friends doesn’t mean
that every time you see them you go through the steps to salvation and speak in
scriptures. It means that you spend time with them on their level, without
participating in activities that are ungodly. You hang out at their house that
smells like cigarette smoke and Indian food and you let them cook for you because
you want to be their friend and find out what makes them tick. Because you want
to accept their hospitality and show them the same. Because a Bible track that
sits on a restaurant table for the server to read doesn’t have a face and a
name that makes it real and personal. There’s an overused expression that fits
my sentiment.
No one will care what you know until they know that you
care.
How does this relate to John? Let me explain. The day he
died, August 28, 2011, he was on a motorcycle ride. It was a simple route that
he’d taken many times before to get from the base where we were stationed to an
Air Force base about 20 minutes away. It was a Sunday, and the reason we weren’t
at the house church we attended was because the girls and I were sick. The
first thing John thought of when I suggested the girls and I stay home and not
spread the cold we had, was that he could call up his two buddies and go for
the ride they’d been meaning to do. He wanted to help his friend find a
motorcycle jacket. So he arranged the time and place to meet, and since neither
of his friends went to church, they were up for it. They met and left, and that
ride was one that neither of his 2 friends will ever forget. John didn’t come
home to me that day, but he did go home.
Those 2
men were friends John had made since he first arrived in Korea, 10 months
earlier. They were people he hung out with on a regular basis, people who knew
what he stood for, but also knew that he loved to ride, loved to eat, and loved
to talk. He had spent the months before I arrived in Korea eating and talking
with these guys on a weekly basis, if not more. They were friendships he had
invested in from day 1. John always had the talent for making friends with
strange people. And I’ll tell you, Kahn was a strange guy. He was Indian by
descent and loved to cook. He also drank like a fish and has a life story that
includes a lot of mistakes, self-sufficiency, and darkness. His job is as a
military investigator and he sees the worst of those he encounters. In fact,
the day of the accident was not the first time he was present at the scene of
an accident and fatality. That is his job.
In the
days after the accident, Leo Kahn came to talk to me, along with Shawn who had
also been present. Kahn told me how much respect he had for John, how he knew
that John believed in what he said and that his faith was genuine and certain.
Somehow, John had lived in such a way that displayed his passionate faith, and
his love for people. Faith and obedience to God cannot mean turning your back
on faithless people. It cannot mean ignoring, mistreating, or judging them. God
will judge them. Our job is to love them. To live our lives in truth and not to
hide our faith, but to make time for people.
The revelation
that happened to me today was that John had been balancing so much in his life
so well. When I met him in college, I thought he was just a guy who liked to
talk, to argue, and to be around people. In our first few years of marriage I
thought that he was insensitive to me because he constantly wanted to go out
and didn’t understand why I wanted to stay home. I chalked that up to him
loving a good time and making friends. At the time I didn’t understand the
passion he had for people. He wanted to go out because that’s where the people
are. He wanted to hang out with people I didn’t like so well because he was
more comfortable in his own skin than I was. He knew his time was short.
He knew his time was short.
He didn’t
have to know his time on earth would only be 27 years, because we all have a
short time on earth, we just don’t live like we understand that. 80 years or 18
years, it’s still short in the scheme of things. Compared to eternity, it’s a
blink of an eye.
John didn’t
expect to get married. He thought he’d be single forever and be able to just
focus on serving God completely with his life. His ministry might have been
even greater had I not come along. But I did. He met me and married me. He now
had so many things to balance: being the provider of his family, leading us
spiritually, continuing outside ministry, and being an active member of a
church body. Eventually we had children and he added fatherhood into that. When
he joined the military he had to spend more time and effort in his job, more
dedication to his skill. I remember us having less time to spend outside of the
house and meeting fewer people outside of the church at this point. I think God
was building us up and showing us how to invest in friendships in a safe
environment before we ventured back into a more mixed environment. We both
needed the encouragement. So when John moved to Korea, he had a chance to
continue providing for his family, but to use his spare time to “do life” with
new people. And those friendships were important to him.
That’s why, August 28, 2011, he got on his motorcycle and
never came back. Because he loved those men like Jesus did and used the time he
had to spend with them.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be as good at that as John was, as
outgoing and talkative or brave. But I do know that he left a legacy for me, he
invested in me and loved me more than I thought I deserved at the time. And his
marriage to me was a great challenge for him. It was an opportunity for him to
know what it means to love someone like Christ loved the church and gave his
life up for it. I know I was good for him and that I helped him to grow and to
change. Neither of us would have been the same without the other. But right now
what I’m working on understanding is how John looked at people, and more so how
Jesus looked at people. Are they too broken to invest my time in? Or just sick
enough to need a doctor?
I love you, John.